Wednesday, December 22, 2010

the flame

he was at a party i attended a while ago. an old friend with benefits. a buddy with whom i would play spin the bottle with just the two of us. a pal who kept my flirting skills up to par, until i met the man i now call my husband.

it's been a few years since we caught up. filling each other in on our current lives over drinks. i had a leftover buzz from the pre-saucing i did (what can i say- money is tight rite now); his buzz was in its prime.
the party got louder.
the crowd grew larger.
holding a conversation had come down to half-shouting into each other's ear. but we made no effort to remedy this. we didn't move to a quieter spot in the venue; we didn't forgo our chat to rock out to the band on-stage; we just continued standing closer and closer together.
Then leaning up against one another. Not in a provocative way; not in a sixth-grade-30-cm- dance kind of way; just leaning side-by-side.
And then we both leaned in to say something. Something witty, something funny, something i don't even know. We both started talking; he stopped to let me go ahead.
lent me his ear so he could hear better.
he thought i wouldn't see.
he smelled my hair as i spoke. a deep breathe.
i pretended not to notice.
such a small gesture means nothing. doesn't it?
i pretended not to get giddy inside like a fucking 15 year old.
the flashback of memories read across his face like an open book.
i pretended that it didn't feel powerful to have that seduction over him.
his grin grew wider with each sip of his drink.
and it felt fucking awesome.
i am sure know that if i were single we would have gone home together that night.
nothing of the sort took place. (for those keeping tabs).
we didn't even have a chance to say goodbye before going our separate ways.
i was on air all the way home though.
maybe it was the confirmation from an outside source that i still have 'it'?
maybe it was the sauce talking and the meds and my mind tricking me into building my self esteem?
maybe i was just craving attention and was looking for it anywhere i could get it?
maybe i just used really good shampoo that day....?

what i do know for sure is although flirting with my past flame is fun, those candles are now out and the matches are tossed.
i have my perma-flame candle now.
he is the only one i should seduce and flirt with.
he is all i ever need.
he is all mine.
i just wish he were home....

Monday, December 13, 2010

the "family" christmas

Ever since my wedding i have been trying to muster up confidence to explain to my dad why i don't want to spend time with his wife. my 'chickenshitness' over rode me and although i have been able to have legitimate reasons for not coming around when invited, Christmas is something that I could not escape.
Yesterday was 'Christmas with Dad'. We went for brunch at the 'fancy hotel at the airport' - one of many fancy hotels in our city. (But the airport? Seriously?) Everyone brought a $50 gift card to throw into a hat, and then we drew for our 'gift'. I got my own. i am glad because it was a MasterCard GC so i can spend it anywhere.
but it felt more like a Christmas party for a small office.
very cold.
very reserved.
very obligatory.
what part of this says fun family gathering?
i have been fighting a cold all week so it was nice that i could use that as an excuse not to go near anyone. (i am such a brat.) It was more of an excuse to stay away from them, than it was for them to stay away from me.
But of course She had to show off how nice she can play,
pretending she gets along with everyone that isn't related to her by blood,
pretending to feign an interest in the lives she couldn't really care less about,
pretending to laugh and enjoy herself.
But I heard the comments.
The ones made under her breathe about the poor service (it was fine), and the crappy food (it was ok). I'm sure there were more, but i tend to block her as much as possible.
i miss the christmas's that were celebrated around a tree with homemade food and fun games. where we actually wanted to be there and enjoyed every one's company. but i know why we don't have those anymore: because we (ie my dad's side of the family) are not significant enough to bother being hosted at a gathering of such proportions.
you may be thinking i am bitter and jealous and ragey and am being a brat. i thought so too at first - when this cattiness all started when i was 18 and She treated me like shit yet i got the blame for having a bad attitude. I have tried to be nice; to be cordial; to ignore the insults; to have matter-of-fact comebacks; to stand up for myself. I have come to realize i am not the problem. and i am not the only one who agrees. my wedding was the final straw. i have made a decision not to be around the ones that bring me down.
and i don't expect him to choose. that is not the point of this at all.
its not about me vs. her.
its about consideration.
its about humility.
its about respect.

at least its over for this year. and i can put off being around Her for another 365 days...

Sunday, December 5, 2010

a request

this next week is going to be an exhausting week. please give me the strength to survive.
to fake it when i need to.
to walk out when i have said my peace.
to keep walking when i can feel my legs buckling.
and make it possible for me not to be selfish.
or rude.
or graceless.
or overindulgent.
or thankless.
take care of me.