Back in tha day, i used sex to get what i wanted; to manipulate; to satisfy my needs; to pretend i had power.
really i was fooling myself.
i knew all i was looking for was attention and control - neither of which i actually got. but like any true addict looking to fill the void of darkness inside, i would pretend that i loved everything about what(who?) i was doing while trying to forget my real self. if i could imagine it away then i would be happy, right? i was never emotionally attached. fuck, i can't even remember half of their names. (are you proud of me mom?)
but it's been over 8 years now.
and i thought i had grown up.
i thought i had gotten over my ghosts, my skeletons, my demons.
i thought i had been able to break down the wall built around me, trusting that i would not be hurt, or feel used, or be discarded.
cause with him it's supposed to be different.
i'm his wife. i am not a fucking piece of meat to be ready at his beck and call. but maybe that's my fault because lately i have built up a wall blocking any emotional response. however i feel like there is no connection coming from him either, so who is to say i am the only one who has a wall...
perhaps it's a mutual resentment? he resents me because i dont fuck him 24/7; i resent him because his expectations are constantly physical and rarely emotional. i feel like i am with a stranger when i am with him. like i have to get to know him every time i see him. i am guarded because i need to protect my ego and my self (in the psychologically sense so i don't have a fucking nervous breakdown).
the breaks in between where we don't see each other are becoming less stressful than actually being with him. how fucked up is that? who says that about their soulmate?
how do you deal when you are too stressed to fuck?