Thursday, May 26, 2011

Getting My Goat & Floating My Boat

Some things that are getting my goat this week:

  • The lack of work coming to me from my contractor. No work means no invoicing. No invoicing means no money. No money means no fun.
  • One of my cats is obsessively scratching his head, to the point of creating bald spots, and I know it's not because he is pondering the clues to Jeopardy. The vet gave him some prednisone to reduce the agitation; hopefully Amos will be back to normal soon. His lack of kitten-ness makes me sad.
  • My favorite shows have ended for the season. Now it's on to repeats and summertime reality crap TV. Not that there is anything wrong with that. 
  • I moved far away from downtown Vancouver six months prior to the momentous time of celebration of the Canucks potentially bringing the Stanley Cup home to Canada. The move was for the best, but Husband and I wish we could still be 10 blocks away from the biggest party the city will be hosting during those next few games. 
Some things that are floating my boat this week:
  • The Vancouver Canucks are in the Stanley Cup finals!!!
  • I am devouring two-bite brownies for breakfast
  • I tried on, and can comfortably fit in size 29 jeans for the first time in my adult life. Even as a teenager, I was a tad doughy in the hips and thighs and thus wearing anything below a 32" or 31" inch waist was a dream I never knew would come true. 
  • Moby released a new free download of an instrumental, orchestral version of 'the day'. I have been listening to it on repeat for the last 4 hours. It's so soothing yet refreshing. Perfect for listening to on this rainy day.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Pushing Them Away

When I am depressed and getting sucked back into 'the black pit of darkness and despair', I segregate myself from everyone around me and tend to avoid them until:
  • I am either forced to spend time with them due to circumstances beyond my control, or
  • the depression retreats into it's secret box and I can live my life in peace again.
These last two weeks have been filled with some really dark moments. Inside thoughts cause me to weep uncontrollably. Waking up is an impossible task. Except when I am plagued by nightmares that haunt me in the darkness. I cannot even find the words to articulate exactly what is wrong. I am mentally numb and my tongue has stopped working. I sometimes think about it like the movie Pleasantville, but somewhat reversed. Like I am in black & white and everyone else is in colour, except they can't understand why I am in black & white, and I can't explain what black & white is, or what it feels like, or how I can change from colour to black & white and back again.

I can't keep making excuses to avoid the people in my life. And I can't tell everyone out right that I just want to be alone. (Because being asked to be left alone for weeks at a time is 'apparently' socially unacceptable.) So how do I retreat into my hole without offending or hurting those around me? How do I explain to my husband that all I want is to crawl into a dark closet and bury myself until I am ready to see the sun again? How do I explain to him the tricks my eyes are playing on me, and the sounds I hear that I know aren't there? How do I clarify that loud noises make me want to vomit for no reason and that sometimes I will not eat for two or three days in a row because I am paranoid that the food is poisoned? How do I convince him that I am sure I am being watched and followed by invisible people?

Reading this back it sounds so fuct up. And I know from the 'sane' part of my self that the 'crazy' is just that - crazy. It's all in my head. It's something I can control if I just think about it properly. I can rationalize it now. In the moment I can't, but looking back I can.

But to try and share it, and to have someone empathize who hasn't been in those shoes before....'s just easier to deal with if I am alone.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Dropping the Goth Look

Now that the sun is out for more than the 4 hours a day, I figure it's time to brighten up my page a bit. Enjoy the domesticafication and the power of orange!

Ahhh! Cobras!

I am having night terrors again.
All's I can remember from last night's, is that it involved a family who was stalking me. They were also hiding a little girl who wore a cloak and she had no face. It was just a black hole where her face should have been.
She was incredibly haunting and it kept me awake in fear; I couldn't even go to the bathroom cause I was afraid to look in the mirror and see the reflection of the little girl.
I eventually snuck out to my couch and played internet until sunrise.
I am thinking that tonight will involve some melatonin and a night-light.   

Do you still get nightmares or night terrors?
How do you tackle them?

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

A Reminder to Really Live Like There Is No Tomorrow

In today's news:
A blogger from BC lost his battle with cancer recently, and asked his family to publish this final post to turn his blog into an archive.

The Last Post

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Out of Comfort or Ignorance?

Husband and I spend a lot of time out with friends. Now that we have moved, most of the people we hang out with are his friends, thus the wives & girlfriends are left to congregate amongst ourselves. Which is fine - I have no complaints. All of the girls I have met so far have been really nice, yada, yada, yada. No problems with the ladies.
It's Husbands behavior that is throwing me off, and I don't know how to approach it. It started off slowly, but it's getting more obvious and frequent since we moved to our small town.
The latest such incident: We were watching the Canucks game at a birthday party gathering last Saturday, and during intermission all of the other guys (at some point) made an effort to check-in with their significant other to see how they were doing. My better other half didn't even make eye contact with me. It bothered me slightly. Not so much because I was left out, but because it is so unlike him to not be affectionate with me, or to ignore me all-together. When we interacted later throughout the night, there was no animosity, so it's not like he was upset at me for anything.
This happens often when we are out. It's like he is somewhat oblivious to my being there. And it's not like I am sitting in the corner acting like a scorned little wall-flower either. Husband is overly preoccupied by smoking with the cool kids, drinking with his friends, and spending hours in his friends' man-caves (ie their garages) doing the things that guys do in their man-caves (ie smoking and drinking beer).
I don't know how to react about this. Is he just so nonchalant about our connection & relationship, thus assuming I am the same way, and that I don't need that 'couples' check-in' that couples do when in a large group of people? Or is it a man thing, that he is just putting up a front for his (new) friends? Does he even realize he is doing this? Am I taking this too personally? Am I over-reacting? Am I being selfish and bratty for expecting him to be around me? Should this even matter?

It's things like this that make me want to pause my life.
It makes me question his intentions.
It makes me question my intentions.
It makes me not want to continue my future until I have the answers because those answers will determine which road I want to take.
I don't know how to bring this up with him. Or if I even should.
I can feel his defenses rising already.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

That Other Evil Four-Letter Word

It's something we don't talk about to our friends, but we all know that the other has it in some form or another.
I thought I was doing OK. The operative word is thought.
I shamefully carry a larger than I want to admit balance on my credit cards. When I received my statements this month I got a little sick to my stomach. I knew I had used my cards a bit, but didn't realize how much. Ugh.
Husband and I are still carrying some debt on my VISA from our wedding last year which is not really helping  either. At least it's on the card with the lowest interest.
The thing is, I know better. I work in the financial industry. My parents have been teaching me how to manage my money since I was a pre-teen. I am fully aware of the 'never spend more than you can afford' rule and the 'pay your balance each month' rule. I watch shows like 'Til Debt Do Us Part' and shake my head at how irresponsible people can be with their money.
But I should be shaking my head at me.
I should be putting my cards in the freezer until their balance is a big fat ZERO.
I should be putting every extra single cent I have towards paying those cards off.
I should not continue using and abusing those 16 numbers I have memorized so I can shop online without having to find my purse.
I am being dragged down a hole that I never thought I would be in. My saving grace is that I have been consistent in paying more than the minimum payment each month. I know I can keep that up. There is no excuse for me not to.
So I am thinking that Ms. VISA and the Mastercard twins will be visiting the back of my freezer for a few months. Farewell my friends... we'll see you when I have triple $0 's.

Monday, May 2, 2011

All Taxed Out

Nothing better than dropping our taxes in the mail-box at 4:50pm on the day they're due. I put it off as long as possible. Procrastination is my specialty, as you know. Thinking back, I keep wondering if I did things right. Did I include all of the correct paperwork? Did I even fill out it our correctly?
This is the first year Husband and I did our taxes all on our own. It is the first year we are both self-employed. And it's the first year we both have to pay. So daunting.
At least I learned what to keep in mind for next year.
If I remember what to do...
Maybe it's time to get a real accountant. Then I can still be irresponsible for a few more years.