Saturday, November 26, 2011

Trespassers Beware

Our rental property is on an acreage close to town. We have lots of bushes to hide behind and trees to hang out under. It means we get some pretty cool wildlife: bears, deer, coyotes, raccoons, and an array of predator birds. It also means we get all of the local teenagers sneaking onto our property to hang out and drink their shitty beer. While I know they are not really harming anyone or anything, it irks me that people are trespassing onto our property. My meds already make me paranoid enough to believe that I am being followed, the last thing I need is 16 year olds sitting in our yard with the ability to look through our windows. Fuck, I feel like an 80 year old man with a stick that I like to shake at the world. I am also concerned about the legalities involved... If something happens to them while on our property (mostly I am concerned if our dog attacks them) how liable are we? What if they start a fire in the brush with their cigarettes? What if someone passes out and dies? Today as I was picking up the dog shit in the yard, I was so tempted to dump the collection along the path and around the hangout spot - but I don't want to fuck with karma. Perhaps a giant spotlight will scare them off next time....

His Boss

Husband's boss. Where to start. He is Husband's super good friend. Our families spend time together. We BBQ, camp, watch hockey & go to the beach together. Our dogs romp around in the park together. Good times are had by all. However there are some downsides with Husband working with his best friend. You know how when you spend soooo much time with someone you end up picking up their traits? (completely inadvertently of course) Let's just say Husband now knows officially how to be a chauvinist, with a dash of pompous ass and sprinkle of disrespectful rudeness. Wow. That's harsh. I take that back. I feel super broken because while Husband's boss is the way he is, Husband is picking up the negative traits and dumping them on me. Especially when I do something wrong. I feel completely inadequate. Like what I have to say will never matter. I mean, I am sure it does on some level, but not where it matters. If that makes sense. I feel like I am an unwanted distraction sometimes. Only around when it's convenient for him. How do I approach him on that? How do I tell him he is being the same asshat to me that his boss/co-worker/friend is to him? I need to vent. A long vent. Better get my Kleenex.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Shameful Things

In my own 'my mind controls the universe way', I am convinced that coincidences aren't real, and that I can make things happen on a subconscious level. I have read The Secret and similar philosophies, and believe they ring quite true. Our sub-conscious is the key for turning our wants into reality. We just need to learn how to control it.

There are several very selfish wishes I have made in my heart this year that came true. I used my mind to bring ass-hole-ness to the life around me. The mean flows from one day to the next. And now as the guilt catches up with me, I can't sleep, I can't eat.
I know I am being watched.
I see I am being followed. It's only a matter of time before my truth is discovered and the fraud I am is unearthed.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

A Frustration Among Frustrations

Puppy 'rehabilitation'. That's what Casar Millan calls it. The animal's mind must be shown how to move forward; it must recognize that a certain action causes a consequence, and that we, as owners, are looking for the positive consequences. *** I spend all day with our dog, Bodhi. She is just over 6 months old. She will listen to me and obey me about 98% of the time, when it's just the two of us. She is still young, and learning, so I expect and accept that. However, the moment Husband steps into the house, Bodhi sees him as Alpha, completely ignoring me, and I cannot, for the life of me, get my power back. I watch the tone/tension in my voice to make sure it's calm and assertive; I make sure we eat first; I make sure we go through the door first. But I fail. It's so crushing. So rejecting. So hurtful. All I want to do is cry. Husband tries to help me. He wants to honestly help. He is nice about not insulting me but I still feel major shame when I ask the dog to 'go to her mat' and she looks at with a WTF face, and as soon as Husband opens his mouth she is already on the move. I expect it might have a lot to do with my demeanor around Husband. I tend to be a little more laid back. A little complacent. Mostly comfortable. (OK i might as well just say it, I am more submissive around Husband than I really should be.) *** The dog rehabilitation continues. I may end up joining toastmasters just to gain some extra assertiveness. That, or start my own fight club.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

The Stay-at-Home Wife

Before Husband and I got married we didn't discuss the roles of husband and wife, in terms of who would bring home the bacon, look after cleaning the house, taking care of the pets etc. We had been dating for seven years; including living together for the last six. At the time of our wedding, both Husband and I were working full-time and doing our equal share of household chores. Easy breezy. Why fix something that wasn't broken?

Fast forward several months.

Now that I am unemployed, rather retired, I have officially become a stay-at-home wife. It's something I never thought I would be, considering I am incredibly independent, but I like it. A lot. I get to spend every day with my favorite pup and kitten. I get to go on adventures every day. I am so lucky to have all the time in the world to focus on all the little projects that have been waiting for my attention over the years.

This winter I hope to craft like crazy and make homemade gifts for family and friends. And of course, think of the baking... Oh holiday baking. How I have missed thee....

Maybe some days I talk to my self a little too much, but for now I am happy. And that's all that matters.