Tuesday, March 29, 2011

The Towel

I am usually pretty good at remembering what is mine and what isn't. I can remember where it came from, or who gave it to me. And I generally can remember how much I paid for it, if I bought it myself. I am really weird about using my own stuff (vs using the communal stuff reserved for visitors), so at our house we tend to have overstock on a bunch of miscellaneous personal things like towels and pillow cases etc.

Last night, Husband prepared a hot shower for me - he's the sweetest, hey? and had set out a dark brown towel for me to dry off with. No big deal at all, but I was slightly confused cause I tend to use a giant grey towel. When I asked him about why he chose brown over grey he said that the brown towel is also mine. I stared at the towel. It looked so foreign to me. So unfamiliar and so strange. It wasn't a 'oh, I just forgot we had this towel' kind of forget. It was a full on 'I have genuinely never seen this towel in my life - how and where did this come from and you say I have used said towel before? Ridiculous!'. I still don't recall where this towel was acquired. After thinking about it all night, I can vaguely recollect using the towel in our old apartment, however, I can't tell if those memories are contrived or true.

But it's just a fucking towel. It's not the end of the world.

I just can't seem to shake the uneasiness that comes along with not knowing my own reality.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Lazy Sunday

Morning Food:

Breakfast Poutine.


Afternoon Hugs:

My Amos


the perfect afternoon.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

randoms on a tuesday afternoon. (it is tuesday, right?)

  • i took enzo outside for the first time today - no leash, no collar, just trust.  she explored the back patio for a few minutes in the sunshine. enzo listens very well for a cat, and she was pretty good about coming inside when i asked her to. 
    • Amos on the other hand, will require a leash and a nametag. i could see him trying to climb the house and then getting stuck on the roof. He is already trying to climb the brick on the fireplace inside, and once he figures out how, he'll be sitting on the mantle in no time.
  • we went to a friends place last night for dinner. The wife is an AMAZING cook. She made curried rice with chicken, and a mushroom gravy sauce which was soooooo yummy. Then for dessert she made a three layer chocolate cake with chocolate covered strawberries, hand-whipped whipped creme and strawberry sauce. TO DIE FOR. when i told her that we would be back for dinner tomorrow, she said ok, see you then! 
  • The bad dreams are starting to come back. Is it because I have conflict in my mind and it's coming out in my dreams through my sub-conscious, or is it the other way around? 
  • What do you do when a new friend you make looks like a dopple-ganger of one of your ex's?
  • Am I alone in thinking that Inception was 'just OK'?
Happy Tuesday! And happy 2:22.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

The First Week


  • built all of the 'build-it-yourself' furniture including a computer desk, 4 bookcases, a cd tower, a futon couch/base, and a wardrobe unit
  • unpacked & hung-up all of his clothes
  • ran cable to 2 rooms & set up TV in the bedroom
  • created his man-shelf which display all of his man-memorabilia
  • had the best sleep ever all week
  • caulked. that's what she said.
  • cleaned the inside of the creepy kitchen cupboards
  • measured, cut & lined the cupboards with new shelf liner
  • dishwashered some dishes
  • unpacked pretty decor to add to bookshelf in living room
  • placed multiple candles inside fireplace 
  • dusted, vacuumed, mr. cleaned and windexed most of the house
  • had the best sleep ever all week
  • made empty-box forts for the cats

Sunday, March 13, 2011

The First Weekend

We had our first family sleep-over in our new house Friday night. Husband and I and our two kitteh's climbed into our brand new king size bed; with brand new soft, cotton sheets; and plush, cozy, fleece cover. It was the best sleep I have had since my honeymoon last September.

Husband and I spent most of both days cleaning, unpacking, building Ikea units (ha, ha units), as well as decorating, and enjoying the view here and there. We managed to unpack most of the kitchen, living room, dining room, both bathrooms and master bedroom. I think by the end of the week, most of the boxes will be empty, and the house will be pretty much 'in order'. My closet is another story...

The kitteh's are enjoying every moment of it too. Amos loves running and sliding down the hall on the laminate floor. Enzo is enjoying climbing among the boxes and discarded newspaper, looking for new places to hide. They love the new window-sills to sit in, and the different birds to chatter at.

Our place is slowly coming together. And it's already starting to feel like home.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Shedding 'The Fat Girl' Off

At this time last year I hovered around the 212lb. mark. I stopped looking at the scale after seeing that number; I I stopped buying bigger clothes after seeing that number. On my 5'8" pear-shaped frame, I wasn't just overweight, I was obese.


Just thinking of the word made me feel sick. I mean, I knew had put on some weight, but I certainly didn't think it was that bad. (I have always been super self conscious about my weight, considering I have always been on the "curvier" side. Thanks German and Russian genes!)

After several crying bouts during waves of mania and depression I asked my Psych Dr. if there was something he could give me, or if there was a different combo I could try to combat my weight problem and keep my crazy in check.* Turns out: check and check. Dr. Pysch changed up my meds and the transition was about to begin.

Life over the next few months had moments of stress. My husband(to-be at the time) had moved 4 hours away for work; I was planning our (destination) wedding;  my job was going to be ending in the month after we returned from our honeymoon; and our apartment building was turning into a crack-house (a story for another day). Last summer was also one of the hottest I can ever remember. My guy had our vehicle, so I walked EVERYWHERE. Plus I bought a pair of those Easy Tone shoes for the extra ass-sculpting. Walking home from work, I would be drenched in sweat by the time I reached my front door. Living alone during the summer, meant I was also cooking for one. Small meals, small plates, small forks. My favorite little luxury was stopping off at the local market to pick up fresh provisions to make a caprese salad with a side of fresh foccacia and proscuitto.

The combination of the stress, the new meds, the exercise & the simpler eating helped me to lose about 30 lbs. by the end of August. (It fluctuates cause of girl reasons... you know how it goes...) By our wedding day on the 8th of September, I felt absolutely beautiful and happy with my self image for the first time, in as long as I could remember.

Since September I have lost another 24-ish lbs. I am so close to my goal of 150. Eight pounds away. Only 8 more lbs. of thigh and ass to tighten. Only 8 more lbs. of tricep flags to whittle down. I know it's only a number. But it's a healthy number. It's a safe number. It's where I should be.

Plus the other highlight is: all my old clothes fit again, so it's like I have a whole new wardrobe! Woot! Woot!

*For those who don't know, many anti-depressants, anti-anxiety meds, and anti-psychotics have the shitty side-effect of excess weight gain. We're already suffering enough madness and then we gain excess weight? How awful is that?

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

The Universe Will Keep Pinching You Until You Wake Up

Yesterday Kyla Roma posted about an antique calendar she found with an old horoscope taped to the back:

“Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22) 
New challenges keep you on your toes.

Start looking for a solution at the first sign of a problem.

Life must go on – it is time to emerge from your self-imposed exile.”

Being a Libra, it of course caught my eye. After reading it for the umpteenth time, I have come to see it as a sign that I need to shape up. These words could not have come into my life at a more appropriate time than now, nor could they ring more true to me than they do at this moment in time. 

Thank-you universe for the message. I got it loud & clear. 

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

99 Bottles of Fear On the Wall...

I stopped drinking socially, for good, this year.
I quit for a various reasons. Too many messy reactions - physically, mentally, emotionally - have pushed me away forever, save for the odd glass of Pinot Gris at holiday gatherings with family. I do miss it, but I don't at the same time.

One thing that sucks is that I have forgotten how to be the outgoing self that came out when I drank. When I am sober I tend to be shy in group settings. Generally a little paranoid because I usually don't know how to keep the conversation going. That entertaining, inhibited, confident self that comes out around two or three drinks (before turning into the loud, 'i think i can dance' girl who knows the words to every song and gives every guy in the room the 'fuck me' eyes) is in me somewhere but struggles to come out.
I am awkward.
I am inappropriate.
I make dumb jokes.
I act like a sixth grader at their first co-ed party.
Purely & socially inept.

Husband is a huge social butterfly. Whether he is drinking or not, he can carry on a conversation like no body's business. However, lately his reactions to conversations I try to hold with him are becoming more bamboozling, and the drinking does not help. It's not a problem, the drinking. It's just 'the thing to do'. I don't say that to defend him. I say that because it's true. It's a social thing, and there is nothing wrong with that.

However I need to work on my social skills. I need to re-learn how to properly interact with people without the aid of booze. I need some go-to statements that are a guarantee no-fail topic, that won't end up with me having my foot in my mouth.

What are your tricks? How do you succeed at being social? How do you develop and maintain that confidence without the assistance of a little drinky-drink? 

Monday, March 7, 2011

the doctor

i get a new psych doctor soon. i am not sure if this is good news or bad news. my current med combo is ok - if i remember to take it at the same time every day. I have alarms set to remind me, but I tend to fuck that up on a regular basis. 
i try not to let it affect me. i try to maintain the norm. i thought this winter would be different. stronger meds would equal less hurting. i keep that SO completely conscious in my mind. that my emotions are just a figment. that my chaos can be controlled. that the hurt will go away. but still the darkness simmers on the back burner. 
and with the lack of correct emotional escape, that pot will boil over. 
lately there has been more darkness added, some thru faults of my own. some thru unexpected circumstances. some thru mis-communications that don't make sense to me. 
i can feel the bubbles rising already. 
it's going to be a messy spill.

Friday, March 4, 2011

What I Need to Learn

“Never compare your journey with someone else’s. It’s a marathon with no finish line. Someone else may start out faster than you, may seem to progress more quickly than you, but every runner has his own pace. Your journey is your journey, not a competition. You will never “arrive”. No one ever does."
- Cheryl Jacobs Nicolai

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

cadbury cream eggs

i got the itch.
every year.
i crave the eggs.
husband has been the best easter bunny, hiding eggs around the house.
even though easter is forever away.
time to start hoarding eggs.
before i go into withdrawal for another year.