The Pattern

My patterns are repeating. The cycles are getting faster and darker; although the 'rational' side of me knows that in 2 weeks I will feel better, my 'irrational' side feels like it's fighting a losing battle. I think about where I was this time last year, and what I vividly recall is how badly I wanted to be gone. Invisible. No longer existing. It's the same way I felt the year before, and all of the years before that.
A lot of situations are coming up and I am petrified to be a part of them. I have my own reasons though I don't think they would be acceptable to the real world. The people who don't know about my crazy, won't understand where I come from - I have trouble articulating to those who don't understand me - because they have their own ideals and expectations. I fear the judgement of my life by family. Because the expectation is the exact opposite of what I truly am.
The path I am going down is broken. This past year has made me feel like the biggest failure. Ultimate failure.
Like I said, same pattern.
The darkness surrounds and I am tired of trying to fight.

A Hurt Felt 'Round The World

Yesterday after I blathered my words upon the page, I noticed that many more in the blog world were going thru (or recently had) a slip back into the darkness. LemonGloria.blogspot.com (http://lemongloria.blogspot.com/2011/12/she-doesnt-get-eaten-by-eels-at-this.html?m=1) described her descent as slowly walking into water, flailing not to drown in the deep before you realize what is happening.
NicoleIsBetter.com (http://nicoleisbetter.com/candy-canes-costa-rica-and-slowly-crawling-out-of-the-hole) described hers as being in a hole. A pit of despair that seems impossible to escape.
The replies in both blogs' comments section are insanely courageous and heartwarming and kind. People sharing their stories of guilt & grief; sadness & despair. The support was so genuine and sincere.
Sometimes I pretend it's for me. Even tho it's not, the relief of not having to burden my friends and family with my troubles helps take the pressure off. Cause I am the strong one. At least that's what I try to keep telling myself....

A Shoulder To Cry On

Things are getting super stressful in life and I need a real life person to hold me and tell me it's going to be ok. I need a real life shoulder to cry on, where there will be no judgement or defensive words or pity or worry. The Husband is busy staying strong for his business. The local friends are not the kind that I share emotional stuff with. The best shoulders live far away and have lives of their own that they are stressy about. I feel a breakdown is coming and it could not be a more inappropriate time. Three cheers for faking 'everything's ok'. Three cheers for being so alone while surrounded by people Three cheers for losing control. Oh my cod, I've turned back into a 15 year old teenage girl... At least I am not in high school!

The Awkward of Watching TV with a Boy

The other day one of my guy friends came over to watch Beavis & Butthead.
I don't really get embarrassed easily, however, every single commercial was either for Victoria's Secret or some other sexual related content. It was like seeing the uncut version of American Pie with my dad - otherwise known as something you wouldn't want to endure.
Super awkward. Super uncomfortable. Super 'let's not make eye contact until a yoghurt commercial comes on'.

At least we could turn the volume down. A KY advert isn't as orgasmic when you mute it.