Wednesday, December 21, 2011

The Pattern

My patterns are repeating. The cycles are getting faster and darker; although the 'rational' side of me knows that in 2 weeks I will feel better, my 'irrational' side feels like it's fighting a losing battle. I think about where I was this time last year, and what I vividly recall is how badly I wanted to be gone. Invisible. No longer existing. It's the same way I felt the year before, and all of the years before that.
A lot of situations are coming up and I am petrified to be a part of them. I have my own reasons though I don't think they would be acceptable to the real world. The people who don't know about my crazy, won't understand where I come from - I have trouble articulating to those who don't understand me - because they have their own ideals and expectations. I fear the judgement of my life by family. Because the expectation is the exact opposite of what I truly am.
The path I am going down is broken. This past year has made me feel like the biggest failure. Ultimate failure.
Like I said, same pattern.
The darkness surrounds and I am tired of trying to fight.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

A Hurt Felt 'Round The World

Yesterday after I blathered my words upon the page, I noticed that many more in the blog world were going thru (or recently had) a slip back into the darkness. ( described her descent as slowly walking into water, flailing not to drown in the deep before you realize what is happening. ( described hers as being in a hole. A pit of despair that seems impossible to escape.
The replies in both blogs' comments section are insanely courageous and heartwarming and kind. People sharing their stories of guilt & grief; sadness & despair. The support was so genuine and sincere.
Sometimes I pretend it's for me. Even tho it's not, the relief of not having to burden my friends and family with my troubles helps take the pressure off. Cause I am the strong one. At least that's what I try to keep telling myself....

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

A Shoulder To Cry On

Things are getting super stressful in life and I need a real life person to hold me and tell me it's going to be ok. I need a real life shoulder to cry on, where there will be no judgement or defensive words or pity or worry. The Husband is busy staying strong for his business. The local friends are not the kind that I share emotional stuff with. The best shoulders live far away and have lives of their own that they are stressy about. I feel a breakdown is coming and it could not be a more inappropriate time. Three cheers for faking 'everything's ok'. Three cheers for being so alone while surrounded by people Three cheers for losing control. Oh my cod, I've turned back into a 15 year old teenage girl... At least I am not in high school!

Saturday, December 3, 2011

The Awkward of Watching TV with a Boy

The other day one of my guy friends came over to watch Beavis & Butthead.
I don't really get embarrassed easily, however, every single commercial was either for Victoria's Secret or some other sexual related content. It was like seeing the uncut version of American Pie with my dad - otherwise known as something you wouldn't want to endure.
Super awkward. Super uncomfortable. Super 'let's not make eye contact until a yoghurt commercial comes on'.

At least we could turn the volume down. A KY advert isn't as orgasmic when you mute it.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Trespassers Beware

Our rental property is on an acreage close to town. We have lots of bushes to hide behind and trees to hang out under. It means we get some pretty cool wildlife: bears, deer, coyotes, raccoons, and an array of predator birds. It also means we get all of the local teenagers sneaking onto our property to hang out and drink their shitty beer. While I know they are not really harming anyone or anything, it irks me that people are trespassing onto our property. My meds already make me paranoid enough to believe that I am being followed, the last thing I need is 16 year olds sitting in our yard with the ability to look through our windows. Fuck, I feel like an 80 year old man with a stick that I like to shake at the world. I am also concerned about the legalities involved... If something happens to them while on our property (mostly I am concerned if our dog attacks them) how liable are we? What if they start a fire in the brush with their cigarettes? What if someone passes out and dies? Today as I was picking up the dog shit in the yard, I was so tempted to dump the collection along the path and around the hangout spot - but I don't want to fuck with karma. Perhaps a giant spotlight will scare them off next time....

His Boss

Husband's boss. Where to start. He is Husband's super good friend. Our families spend time together. We BBQ, camp, watch hockey & go to the beach together. Our dogs romp around in the park together. Good times are had by all. However there are some downsides with Husband working with his best friend. You know how when you spend soooo much time with someone you end up picking up their traits? (completely inadvertently of course) Let's just say Husband now knows officially how to be a chauvinist, with a dash of pompous ass and sprinkle of disrespectful rudeness. Wow. That's harsh. I take that back. I feel super broken because while Husband's boss is the way he is, Husband is picking up the negative traits and dumping them on me. Especially when I do something wrong. I feel completely inadequate. Like what I have to say will never matter. I mean, I am sure it does on some level, but not where it matters. If that makes sense. I feel like I am an unwanted distraction sometimes. Only around when it's convenient for him. How do I approach him on that? How do I tell him he is being the same asshat to me that his boss/co-worker/friend is to him? I need to vent. A long vent. Better get my Kleenex.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Shameful Things

In my own 'my mind controls the universe way', I am convinced that coincidences aren't real, and that I can make things happen on a subconscious level. I have read The Secret and similar philosophies, and believe they ring quite true. Our sub-conscious is the key for turning our wants into reality. We just need to learn how to control it.

There are several very selfish wishes I have made in my heart this year that came true. I used my mind to bring ass-hole-ness to the life around me. The mean flows from one day to the next. And now as the guilt catches up with me, I can't sleep, I can't eat.
I know I am being watched.
I see I am being followed. It's only a matter of time before my truth is discovered and the fraud I am is unearthed.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

A Frustration Among Frustrations

Puppy 'rehabilitation'. That's what Casar Millan calls it. The animal's mind must be shown how to move forward; it must recognize that a certain action causes a consequence, and that we, as owners, are looking for the positive consequences. *** I spend all day with our dog, Bodhi. She is just over 6 months old. She will listen to me and obey me about 98% of the time, when it's just the two of us. She is still young, and learning, so I expect and accept that. However, the moment Husband steps into the house, Bodhi sees him as Alpha, completely ignoring me, and I cannot, for the life of me, get my power back. I watch the tone/tension in my voice to make sure it's calm and assertive; I make sure we eat first; I make sure we go through the door first. But I fail. It's so crushing. So rejecting. So hurtful. All I want to do is cry. Husband tries to help me. He wants to honestly help. He is nice about not insulting me but I still feel major shame when I ask the dog to 'go to her mat' and she looks at with a WTF face, and as soon as Husband opens his mouth she is already on the move. I expect it might have a lot to do with my demeanor around Husband. I tend to be a little more laid back. A little complacent. Mostly comfortable. (OK i might as well just say it, I am more submissive around Husband than I really should be.) *** The dog rehabilitation continues. I may end up joining toastmasters just to gain some extra assertiveness. That, or start my own fight club.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

The Stay-at-Home Wife

Before Husband and I got married we didn't discuss the roles of husband and wife, in terms of who would bring home the bacon, look after cleaning the house, taking care of the pets etc. We had been dating for seven years; including living together for the last six. At the time of our wedding, both Husband and I were working full-time and doing our equal share of household chores. Easy breezy. Why fix something that wasn't broken?

Fast forward several months.

Now that I am unemployed, rather retired, I have officially become a stay-at-home wife. It's something I never thought I would be, considering I am incredibly independent, but I like it. A lot. I get to spend every day with my favorite pup and kitten. I get to go on adventures every day. I am so lucky to have all the time in the world to focus on all the little projects that have been waiting for my attention over the years.

This winter I hope to craft like crazy and make homemade gifts for family and friends. And of course, think of the baking... Oh holiday baking. How I have missed thee....

Maybe some days I talk to my self a little too much, but for now I am happy. And that's all that matters.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

The Rebirth of Amos

I stumbled across this today...

The reincarnation of my former sweetheart, Amos.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

One Thing At A Time

It's all about simplifying your life nowadays. Focusing on one thing at a time. Taking the time to put your full attention into each task instead of half-assing multiple things at once.

I used to be proud of how well I could multi-task. How well I could balance so many things at once. How well I could handle 'all the stress'. Until I realized how many mistakes I was making. How much attitude I was giving. How much I resented everything and everyone around me.

Fuck that life.

Simplicity is better.

Until the next fad comes along...

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

The Pink Pony

If I tell you not to think about pink ponies, all you will be able to think about is pink ponies.

No matter how hard you try to forget them, they will keep galloping back into your mind.

There is a pink pony in my mind that will not go away. It taunts me daily. It's something that catches me off guard at the most unlikely moments. And once I start thinking about it, I can't let go.

My depression this month has gotten worse. I spent a lot of time alone. On purpose. I wanted time to think. To process. To understand.

I am no further ahead.
I still have no idea where I want to go.
I still have no idea what I want to do.
I still have no idea who I am.

I feel blank. Empty. Hollow. Vacant. Mentally unavailable.

Except for that fucking pink pony who trots its threatening thought into my head during the most inappropriate of times.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Monday, October 17, 2011

Good-Bye Lady Bits

My sweet sweet pup is getting spayed tomorrow. Her dream of being a mama is over. But I am sure she would love to raise a litter of kittens.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

The Grass Grows All 'Round

Now that the killer blazing sun has dissipated for the year, our lawn has begun to grow in. So quaint.
It shows me that life can even grow from the most unlikely of places.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

The Dog Days Are Over

I woke up to the most brilliant blue skies today. Everything I had planned for, turned 180 degrees. 
Promises broken. 
A giant 'fuck you' in my head, but more like a 'sorry I can't' in real life. 
Does what I have to say matter? Do my feelings count?
Fuck respect. Fuck what I think. Cause you always know better.
Another birthday of disappointment.

If this is what getting older is, I want to stop today.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

The Birthday Eve

I am already not prepared not to face my day tomorrow.
There isn't a clear way to explain the muddle in my head. Parts of shame. Parts of jealousy. Parts of rejection. Parts of self-inflicted isolation. Parts of not wanting to be a drama queen but knowing all I want is attention.
Some haunted skeletons are seeking the light. I need to determine the root of their cause. Find out where a child learned such adult things. Settle the guilt inside my head.
Anyone know a good psychic?

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Writers Block

I have so much to say yet I can't remember my stories when it comes time to writing them down. I'll just start talking about my week. Something is bound to spill out from there.... Last night we went to a fancy restaurant to celebrate a friends birthday. They brought their almost-10-month old daughter who is adorable and squishy and so very funny. But the fucking lungs in this child, my cod, she could break glass. She got a couple of really shrill screams out, and cried near the end of dinner; luckily the restaurant wasn't busy.... I felt bad for the table behind us, as their meal was interrupted several times by the kid; but I also felt bad for the baby's parents. It's not like they can duct tape the child's mouth closed to keep it quiet. And she was super good for the majority of the time. Recently some restaurants in the US have a initiated a 'no children' policy. It's sad that people are so ignorant about the behavior of their children, that restaurants have to do this. However it allows restauranteurs to creates a niche market for a more sophisticated dining experience that will allow children. I'm not a parent, however I do have common sense. Common sense tells me that I do not bring a baby to the opera. Common sense tells me that people around me may not love kids kicking their airplane seat; or wailing away while daddy sleeps with earplugs, and mommy hands baby off to a stranger so she can watch the in flight movie (true story while on a 9 hour flight - still seething that people this irresponsible are allowed to have kids) Common sense tells me that if I bring a baby to a golf game, it had better stay asleep while I sink this putt. Personally, I can't say what I would do. I don't have a kid, so I can't say if I would take them to restaurants that aren't so kid friendly or not. but I do know FOR SURE that I will respect the people around me and apologize, and (temporarily) leave if my spawn causes any problems. Good thing I love Denny's, IHOP, Wendy's & Pizza Hut! Hey look at that! A whole rant about bratty kids. I am getting old. Next I will be putzing around in a rascal scooter!

Monday, October 3, 2011

The Countdown

Ten more days until my 29th birthday. Not that i am expecting my 29th year to be any more spectacular than any other year, but I really want to document it. A picture every day. A mood check every day. A sound clip, written down as eloquently as I can possibly type it. At least then, for my 30th, I will have something to show my self. Show why it is worth surviving.
I never, ever thought I would live to see my 30th birthday. I have one year left to prove to my self I am worth it.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Doctor Vent

I stopped taking one of my meds. Well, more like choosing not to take them. I am not trying to be all 'I feel fine, I TOTALLY don't need my meds'. I just keep putting off going to the dr's to renew my prescription. I hate going to the dr. It's such a chore. It takes a lot of effort just to get 60 pills so I can be stable for two months. I don't understand why I can't just call it in. I have been on these pills for a few years now, there is nothing new about that. So why does that mean I have to see a dr (after waiting for 1-2 hours in the clinic) so often for the paperwork? It doesn't make sense to me. End rant. I want to figure out what side effects are coming from which med. Pregnancy pressure is getting to me and I want to ease the anxiety by attempting to control at least one thing in my life. A baby was never part of MY plan. It's always been for someone else. Which is wrong. And why I know I can't be a mom. Yet, anyway. But should it happen (cause whoamikidding Husband is all about IT lately) I would like to be somewhat prepared. But like most things in my life, I would like to delay pregnancy for as long as possible. I have too many other plans in the works.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

My first official day off

I accomplished a lot today.
I didn't watch a shit-load of TV
I was really social.
I ate a really healthy meal.
I taught the pup some new tricks.
I enjoyed the sun.
I cleaned up the house (a bit).
I could get used to this....

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

The Pup

Bodhi saying: "HEY YOU GUYS!!!"
(second from right)

Husband & I fell in love with a puppy. It's hard not to, when you stare into those cute puppy eyes and watch them as they trip over their giant puppy feet. The puppy kisses and nibbles tug at your heartstrings, begging "pleasetakemehomenow-causeIwillloveyouforever"

Bodhi melted my heart with her soft puppy ears and muzzle. Her wriggly, little body could not have been more excited to be out and about in the world outside of her pen. Until it was time to leave the only home she had known thus far.

Please don't leave me.... I am too cute to be left here.

She had never been around any other people, aside from her parents' handlers. She had never met any other dog, aside from her litter mates and parents. Social anxiety was kicking in before we even got her in the car for the (super long) drive home. For her first time in a vehicle, Bodhi did surprisingly well. The next test would be sleeping through the night, or at least part of it, without any indoor accidents. Success. 

Over the next few days, Bodhi learned that inside of the house was for eating and sleeping, and outside was for elimination. Playtime was still undefined. Her puppy instincts hadn't kicked in yet. She was scared of exploring, toys, noises, people, cars, and just being a dog.  Over the last three weeks, Husband & I have really brought her out of her shell by exposing her to as much stimuli as possible. We've taken her on so many car rides, visiting friends, going to the dog beach, driving up to the mountains, meeting as many other dogs as possible, while also making each experience as positive as possible. Bodhi still has a long way to go in the whole socialization aspect of life (she is just over 3 months old), but I think Husband & I are on the right track. 
Sleepy puppy = happy puppy.
Bodhi has been an amazing addition to our family, in such a unique way. I can truly feel a trust and bond developing between her and I, which I didn't expect so soon. Her loyalty towards me is already so strong. It's surreal for me to feel that so quickly, especially since I want to reciprocate the respect. 
The one who shuts out everyone. 

Monday, August 1, 2011

The Month I Wasn't Expecting

July 2011 was a bit of a downer.
I lost my job.
My favorite cat ran away from home.
My husband's new-to-him truck stopped working.
And I have been feeling pretty sick lately.

I am sure a combo of the above has to do with my not feeling well. To top it off, in my own fucked up mind, every summer for the last 4(?) years my head convinces me that I am pregnant - even though I am not. Every little emotional nuance and odd cramp and slight bulge and nauseating episode and heightened sense of taste and smell and migraine and backache sends me to google to research pregnancy and other 'what-is-its'. Mostly pregnancy.
Pretty much always pregnancy.
I am not sure how I really feel about that.
I don't know if it's

  • an emotional hormone-y side effect of my meds. 
  • or because I am getting older. 
  • or because my friends are having having babies.
  • or of a need to feel like I am 'trying' to accomplish something by 'pretending' I want to get pregnant, so people get off my back about not wanting to have kids. Today, anyway. 

Babies = so cute. I don't deny that. All of my friends' kids are adorable and sweet and I treasure them forever. And I will probably want my own in a year or two. (Cause they are such a great accessory, amIright?)
I am not ready yet. <Insert excuse here, here & here.>
So why do I feel a tiny, tinge of disappointment every time I get my period?

Thursday, July 14, 2011


So much has been happening this last week and it's making me all hurty. Some in good ways, some in bad ways:

  • Husband and I bought a dog (update on that coming soon). I love her so much. Almost to the point where I forget my cats names.
  • Husband bought a new (to us) truck. We spent 11 hours yesterday 
    • driving into and across town and then up to a ski-hill lodge to go look at it, 
    • then driving into town to get insurance for it, only to find out we filled out the papers incorrectly, 
      • meaning we had to drive back out of town to the seller's place in order to fill out new paperwork
    • then come back into town to actually get insurance,
    • then drive back to the seller's place to finalize the exchange
    • then, about 15 minutes after leaving the seller's place, Husband had to turn around as the seller had left his garage door remote on the trucks visor
    • then we FINALLY got to drive home.
  • My work project is shutting down at the end of the month meaning I will be out of a job soon
  • My flakey step-mother wants to plan a big get-away for my dad's 60th birthday, yet my brother and I are doing all of the research on hotels & activities, paying the deposits, & communicating the applicable details. Her excuse is "I don't know how to do this" and "you spent the last year planning a wedding, so this should be no problem for you".
  • I haven't slept more than 4-5 hours per night in the last week (for non-dog related reasons) and now that it's catching up to me I feel like such a failure for not being able to maintain a clean home, or finish the section of work I am supposed to hand in tomorrow. Procrastination is my arch nemesis. 
  • I will finish this later....

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Wednesday Wrantings & Wraves

He loves to sleep in Husband's
dirty laundry. Should have named
him 'Smelly Cat'.

  • Amos is broken again. He is limping, but I can't figure out why. After finding no cuts or stingers or cactus barbs or other major or minor visual injuries, I figured it was a pulled muscle. It's been a few days and he is still walking like Terry Fox. Amos is being super pouty but still playful, alert, and eating, so I know he's not in that much pain. I am just hesitant to take him to the vet for a $$$ check-up to find out all he needs is R&R.
  • Our patio gets 1000% sun all-day. This I love. Especially because we have 35-40 degree weather for most of the summer. I bought me a little kiddie pool to set up for a daily splash. The heat and sun however, is not so awesome for my plants. My pansies...look like pressed flowers. But in the evening, when the sun is setting, and the sky is pink and red and gold, I water those pansies and they perk right up, like they have never felt the heat. They remind me that perseverance is not just for humans.
  • There is a serious lack of doctors in BC. But I found a (walk-in clinic) doctor I actually like. He is the first doctor I have met that actually cared enough to send me to get tested to ensure the meds I am on are not hurting my organs. I am supposed to get tested yearly. I have never been tested. I have been on these meds for more than 2 years.
  • I have been taking care of my friends' 3 jack russell terriers while they run their mobile fry-truck business through-out our community. All I do is go over to my friends' place and let the dogs out to pee, refill their water dish, and occasionally take them for a walk if the dogs are up for it. But I have been Caesar Milan'ing them while I am there. And, not to brag, but I am SO good at it. All 3 of the dogs listen to me and allow me to be the leader. Not just some of the time. ALL of the time. From the moment I walk in the door, to the moment I leave. It's awesome. I like love having that bond and that trust with an animal. It makes me want to work with shelter dogs, and possibly with horses, to help them trust again. Time to get my volunteer badge out.
  • Finally watched the final Oprah episode. I know. I am a little behind. Only went through 5 tissues for my tears. And one for a snotty nose. TMI? sorry....
How is your first week of July going so far?

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

The Waiting Game

I am waiting for a very important email. Which means I am checking my email obsessively every 20 minutes. The suspense of it all is driving me bonkers! I guess patience will have to tide me over until then... 

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Water Water Everywhere...

I am really picky about the water I drink. Not in a princessy way, more in a flavour way. My taste-buds can pick up the tiniest inkling of chlorine; the bitterness of improperly filtered contaminants; and the overload of too many chemicals in tap water. When I lived in the prairies of Canada, I can remember how rich the tap water was. It was soooo yummy. Moving to Vancouver was such a change. And although the city has some of the best & safest drinking water in Canada, I have to say that after 17 years, I still can't bear to drink the stuff. 

Then I discovered a particular brand of bottled water that quenches my thirst like no other. It's super cheap, is sourced & bottled in Canada, and is pretty much the only beverage I drink. Big Applause for Shopper's Drug Mart Bottled Spring Water. 

Husband and I buy quarts of these jugs of water like we're stocking up for Armageddon. It's crazy I tell ya. We get some weird looks at the till, but it's well worth it.

Living in our new little mountain town, I have yet to develop a taste for the tap water. It tastes like dirt and makes me want to throw up. Some times after having drunk it, I actually have thrown up. So we continue to buy our water. 

But today we are out of water. And there is a "Don't Drink the Water" advisory in town. And I am without a vehicle in which to go get more water. Milk is not going to help with my dehydration; pop = blech; alcohol will only bring on more dehydration... so I try grapefruit juice. Bad idea. 

Here's hoping that Husband gets home soon with the next delivery of H2O....

Please know that this is a not an advertisement for Shopper's Drug Mart or their bottled spring water. I just really really love it, and really really need some...

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

One Stressy Weekend

This upcoming weekend my mom is coming to town. It's just for two nights. She won't even be in the house for a full 48 hours. But the anxiety I feel in making sure that our home is immaculately clean is more overwhelming than the thought of being in a car with no brakes.
There is some dust, smudges on the bathroom mirror, and the odd tumbleweed of cat-hair, but we keep our home clean. Relatively clean. And by we, I mean mostly me. Husband helps with chores, but I do 87% of the vacuuming, dusting, dishes, Swiffering, scrubbing of the bathroom facilities, cleaning of the cat shitter-box, etc etc. Husband helps tidy when we have company over. He is really good at getting rid of clutter. I am really good at creating clutter. But that's another story for another day.
However, when my mom comes to visit, I feel this need to make sure our home is ridiculously clean - like Danny Tanner clean. My need to live up to my mom's standards has been an 'all-my-life' thing, and cleanliness is something that I never want her to judge me on. In the rational part of my brain, I know she doesn't really care, but in that tiny maniacal sector at the back, I am a crazy nut with a high-speed dustbuster chasing the cats when they leave a trail of litter coming from their shit-box. I am a Swiffer addict - dusting EVERY surface in our home, Swiffer-sweeping & Swiffer-mopping the floors. Oh Swiffer - I love thee so...
Where was I?
And then there is the gardening... we've been neglecting. A lot. I mean, we have been watering our flowers, but as for the empty flower pots - they have just become a catch-all for cigarette butts, firework leftovers, & other miscellaneous garbage. Classy, I know. Just glad our neighbours are far enough away that they can't see in the pots. We don't want to be those neighbours....
Seriously.... have a little pride in your home much?
So Thursday will be sent madly cleaning, gardening, tidying, & ensuring that our home smells like clean laundry & possibly some home-made pie.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

We're Officially Glampers Now!

I like to camp.
Let me clarify, I like to camp when it's warm out and not raining or muddy or cold or miserable outside.
And where I live, that means we can go camping between May long weekend and Labour day. Anytime before or after that is a "no guarantees that you'll stay dry, warm or sane" weekend.
Husband and I have tented since we have met. We have this huge mutha-fucking tent that is bigger than most people's kitchen's. The thing even has a built in sun room. It's a great tent, with space for a queen-size bed-in-a-bag, plus room for all of the rest of our shit, without feeling like we are stepping on our bed every time we climb through the tent. I love our tent, is what I am saying. Plus, our friend's have tent-envy, so that always makes us feel like champs.
But we're movin' on up... Husband's parents bought a new (to them) 5th wheel trailer and have graciously given us their old little camper. This 14-ft trailer rolled right out of the early 80's and right into our hearts. It's so quaint and adorable. The In-Laws took great care of it, and it shows. No leaks, new bedding, & some pretty sweet upgrades - like an extension for the bed to make it wider, and a button you can press with your knee to make the tap work automatically, instead of using one hand to hold the tap on while attempting to wash the other hand solo.
Did someone call 1986? 
The best part: our new little addition has a furnace, so we can camp year-round if we really want to. (Not that we would, but it's nice to know we have that as an option)

My new home away from home.
Now all we need to do is to name this puppy... any suggestions?

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Shower Toys

An aunt of my husband's was cleaning up her house before a big family gathering. Her son uses the main bathroom as his 'getting ready' bathroom, so she went in to make sure the room was neat and tidy. The kid is 19 so keeping his bathroom in order is not priority # 1. As she was cleaning up around the bathtub, she noticed this weird tube. Aunt-in-Law (AiL) didn't know what it was, and didn't want to leave it out for guests to find, so she brought it downstairs to ask her fiance if he knew what it was. As soon as Soon-to-be-Uncle-in-Law (StbUiL) saw it, he burst out laughing. StbUiL called over his daughter, who took one look, asked AiL whose it was and where she found it while also trying to control her laughter. AiL still didn't understand what was so funny until her son walked in the door. As he walked into the kitchen and saw what his mom was holding in her hand he turned bright red, grabbed the silicone sex toy out of his mom's hand and dashed to hide it in his room. Upon his return, AiL asked him what THAT was all about. "It's a Gigi***" he said. "I love it; it feels so good!"

***if you plan on googling Gigi - it's likely NSFW, but your man in your life will LOVE it.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

My To-Do List

Every night as I try to fall asleep, I make lists in my head. Mostly the lists are about what I want to accomplish the next day. The lists are grandiose, and well-intended, however when I wake up in the morning the last thing I want to do is anything on The List. Cause seriously, who really wants to do clean the bathroom and do dishes first thing in the morning....
Something I do actually love doing all of the time: Organizing & Decorating. Although Husband and I moved into our place in March, we still have a multitude of packed boxes that we have just dumped in one room and then closed the door to hide the mess. It's sad really.
Since work has been slow lately, I am taking this time to attack the disaster room and finish turning our house into a home. There are pictures and mirrors to be hung; bookshelves to be filled; many, many items to be put away in a proper place; and lots of filing. I have a feeling that Husband will be coming home to a new layout of furniture in the bedroom at some point this week too. Not that he would have much say in the matter to begin with, but I hope he likes it!

Monday, June 6, 2011

Work-day Blues

Things are slowing down. I fear my project may be shut down soon and then I will have to find a real job. I am not prepared for that. I don't want to be prepared for that. I don't feel I can go back to working in an office with people again. I don't have much to offer elsewhere. My (long-time-ago) barista experience can only take me so far. My small town only offers so much. I am unconditioned for re-training my mind. You know, old dog, new tricks.... Insert other negative excuses here.

Insert project-saving wish here.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Getting My Goat & Floating My Boat

Some things that are getting my goat this week:

  • The lack of work coming to me from my contractor. No work means no invoicing. No invoicing means no money. No money means no fun.
  • One of my cats is obsessively scratching his head, to the point of creating bald spots, and I know it's not because he is pondering the clues to Jeopardy. The vet gave him some prednisone to reduce the agitation; hopefully Amos will be back to normal soon. His lack of kitten-ness makes me sad.
  • My favorite shows have ended for the season. Now it's on to repeats and summertime reality crap TV. Not that there is anything wrong with that. 
  • I moved far away from downtown Vancouver six months prior to the momentous time of celebration of the Canucks potentially bringing the Stanley Cup home to Canada. The move was for the best, but Husband and I wish we could still be 10 blocks away from the biggest party the city will be hosting during those next few games. 
Some things that are floating my boat this week:
  • The Vancouver Canucks are in the Stanley Cup finals!!!
  • I am devouring two-bite brownies for breakfast
  • I tried on, and can comfortably fit in size 29 jeans for the first time in my adult life. Even as a teenager, I was a tad doughy in the hips and thighs and thus wearing anything below a 32" or 31" inch waist was a dream I never knew would come true. 
  • Moby released a new free download of an instrumental, orchestral version of 'the day'. I have been listening to it on repeat for the last 4 hours. It's so soothing yet refreshing. Perfect for listening to on this rainy day.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Pushing Them Away

When I am depressed and getting sucked back into 'the black pit of darkness and despair', I segregate myself from everyone around me and tend to avoid them until:
  • I am either forced to spend time with them due to circumstances beyond my control, or
  • the depression retreats into it's secret box and I can live my life in peace again.
These last two weeks have been filled with some really dark moments. Inside thoughts cause me to weep uncontrollably. Waking up is an impossible task. Except when I am plagued by nightmares that haunt me in the darkness. I cannot even find the words to articulate exactly what is wrong. I am mentally numb and my tongue has stopped working. I sometimes think about it like the movie Pleasantville, but somewhat reversed. Like I am in black & white and everyone else is in colour, except they can't understand why I am in black & white, and I can't explain what black & white is, or what it feels like, or how I can change from colour to black & white and back again.

I can't keep making excuses to avoid the people in my life. And I can't tell everyone out right that I just want to be alone. (Because being asked to be left alone for weeks at a time is 'apparently' socially unacceptable.) So how do I retreat into my hole without offending or hurting those around me? How do I explain to my husband that all I want is to crawl into a dark closet and bury myself until I am ready to see the sun again? How do I explain to him the tricks my eyes are playing on me, and the sounds I hear that I know aren't there? How do I clarify that loud noises make me want to vomit for no reason and that sometimes I will not eat for two or three days in a row because I am paranoid that the food is poisoned? How do I convince him that I am sure I am being watched and followed by invisible people?

Reading this back it sounds so fuct up. And I know from the 'sane' part of my self that the 'crazy' is just that - crazy. It's all in my head. It's something I can control if I just think about it properly. I can rationalize it now. In the moment I can't, but looking back I can.

But to try and share it, and to have someone empathize who hasn't been in those shoes before....'s just easier to deal with if I am alone.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Dropping the Goth Look

Now that the sun is out for more than the 4 hours a day, I figure it's time to brighten up my page a bit. Enjoy the domesticafication and the power of orange!

Ahhh! Cobras!

I am having night terrors again.
All's I can remember from last night's, is that it involved a family who was stalking me. They were also hiding a little girl who wore a cloak and she had no face. It was just a black hole where her face should have been.
She was incredibly haunting and it kept me awake in fear; I couldn't even go to the bathroom cause I was afraid to look in the mirror and see the reflection of the little girl.
I eventually snuck out to my couch and played internet until sunrise.
I am thinking that tonight will involve some melatonin and a night-light.   

Do you still get nightmares or night terrors?
How do you tackle them?

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

A Reminder to Really Live Like There Is No Tomorrow

In today's news:
A blogger from BC lost his battle with cancer recently, and asked his family to publish this final post to turn his blog into an archive.

The Last Post

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Out of Comfort or Ignorance?

Husband and I spend a lot of time out with friends. Now that we have moved, most of the people we hang out with are his friends, thus the wives & girlfriends are left to congregate amongst ourselves. Which is fine - I have no complaints. All of the girls I have met so far have been really nice, yada, yada, yada. No problems with the ladies.
It's Husbands behavior that is throwing me off, and I don't know how to approach it. It started off slowly, but it's getting more obvious and frequent since we moved to our small town.
The latest such incident: We were watching the Canucks game at a birthday party gathering last Saturday, and during intermission all of the other guys (at some point) made an effort to check-in with their significant other to see how they were doing. My better other half didn't even make eye contact with me. It bothered me slightly. Not so much because I was left out, but because it is so unlike him to not be affectionate with me, or to ignore me all-together. When we interacted later throughout the night, there was no animosity, so it's not like he was upset at me for anything.
This happens often when we are out. It's like he is somewhat oblivious to my being there. And it's not like I am sitting in the corner acting like a scorned little wall-flower either. Husband is overly preoccupied by smoking with the cool kids, drinking with his friends, and spending hours in his friends' man-caves (ie their garages) doing the things that guys do in their man-caves (ie smoking and drinking beer).
I don't know how to react about this. Is he just so nonchalant about our connection & relationship, thus assuming I am the same way, and that I don't need that 'couples' check-in' that couples do when in a large group of people? Or is it a man thing, that he is just putting up a front for his (new) friends? Does he even realize he is doing this? Am I taking this too personally? Am I over-reacting? Am I being selfish and bratty for expecting him to be around me? Should this even matter?

It's things like this that make me want to pause my life.
It makes me question his intentions.
It makes me question my intentions.
It makes me not want to continue my future until I have the answers because those answers will determine which road I want to take.
I don't know how to bring this up with him. Or if I even should.
I can feel his defenses rising already.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

That Other Evil Four-Letter Word

It's something we don't talk about to our friends, but we all know that the other has it in some form or another.
I thought I was doing OK. The operative word is thought.
I shamefully carry a larger than I want to admit balance on my credit cards. When I received my statements this month I got a little sick to my stomach. I knew I had used my cards a bit, but didn't realize how much. Ugh.
Husband and I are still carrying some debt on my VISA from our wedding last year which is not really helping  either. At least it's on the card with the lowest interest.
The thing is, I know better. I work in the financial industry. My parents have been teaching me how to manage my money since I was a pre-teen. I am fully aware of the 'never spend more than you can afford' rule and the 'pay your balance each month' rule. I watch shows like 'Til Debt Do Us Part' and shake my head at how irresponsible people can be with their money.
But I should be shaking my head at me.
I should be putting my cards in the freezer until their balance is a big fat ZERO.
I should be putting every extra single cent I have towards paying those cards off.
I should not continue using and abusing those 16 numbers I have memorized so I can shop online without having to find my purse.
I am being dragged down a hole that I never thought I would be in. My saving grace is that I have been consistent in paying more than the minimum payment each month. I know I can keep that up. There is no excuse for me not to.
So I am thinking that Ms. VISA and the Mastercard twins will be visiting the back of my freezer for a few months. Farewell my friends... we'll see you when I have triple $0 's.

Monday, May 2, 2011

All Taxed Out

Nothing better than dropping our taxes in the mail-box at 4:50pm on the day they're due. I put it off as long as possible. Procrastination is my specialty, as you know. Thinking back, I keep wondering if I did things right. Did I include all of the correct paperwork? Did I even fill out it our correctly?
This is the first year Husband and I did our taxes all on our own. It is the first year we are both self-employed. And it's the first year we both have to pay. So daunting.
At least I learned what to keep in mind for next year.
If I remember what to do...
Maybe it's time to get a real accountant. Then I can still be irresponsible for a few more years.

Saturday, April 30, 2011

Long Term Decisions, Life Time of Consequences

Husband and I have some life decisions to make. He is aching for a baby. So badly. He is getting older, and "doesn't want to be a senior citizen when his kid graduates from high school". He wants his grammas to see their great-grandchildren, because that would be so cool. He is ready for that stage of life. His current work partner in crime has a 4-month old and is constantly telling my husband that he needs to get his own baby too. The thing is, current work partner (CWP) doesn't spend a lot of time with his baby. He works 6-7 days a week, 10-12 hour days. Which means my husband is working those hours too. CWP's wife is always left home alone with the baby. Her friends have ditched her, she rarely gets visits, and the only people that seem to want to be around her are the kid's grandparents.
I don't want our life to turn into that. I know I am going to have a difficult time adjusting because of the whole bi-polar factor. I am so worried about post-partum. (Does this mean I have pre-partum?) I will have to adjust my meds, possibly even go off of them completely, for the entire pregnancy + breast feeding, which sends a wave of anxiety over me that is so crushing it takes my breath away. I trust that it's doable. I trust that women have done it before. I just don't know if I am mentally prepared to go back to the hollow darkness of depression followed by the paranoia and hysterics and insomnia brought on by my mania. And if I am spending most of my time alone with the kid? If I think that I feel like I would resent the kid once it's born because going off of my meds made me feel worse, does that mean I am not ready, or just finding excuses?
I can't see myself being a parent.
I can't see myself having a successful pregnancy without me somehow harming myself or the baby.
And I can't help but feel ultimate shame in knowing that I will be passing on my bi-polar 'torch' to my future.

Monday, April 25, 2011

What Do You See?

Integrity is who you are when no one is looking. 
Are you the same person in front of the world, as you are when you look in the mirror?

Yesterday I stopped and realized for some time it was not so. 

Monday, April 18, 2011

My Seinfeld Moment

The other day I had one of those special moments in life; Had it come from the minds of Larry David or Jerry Seinfeld, it could have ended up as a conundrum that George would have come across in an episode of Seinfeld. Well, probably not. But it was my own little Seinfeld-ism.

I had purchased a pre-made sandwich at a local gourmet grocery store. Roast turkey breast with cheddar, lettuce, mustard, mayo on a whole wheat hoagie bun. Typical deli sandwich, wrapped in it's standard 90 layers of plastic saran to 'keep it fresh'.

Fast forward a day point five.

I don't like to use dishes if I don't have to. I don't want to waste the soap or water to clean. Really it just boils down to laziness. Moving on. Feeling famished, I grab my pre-made sandwich from the fridge, and begin unraveling the saran. The way that it was coming undone allowed me to cut 1/3 of the plastic off from the end of the sandwich, leaving the perfect opening in which to eat the sandwich, whilst still holding it in its plastic sleeve. It was one of the better unwrapping jobs I have done in recent memory, as I usually tend to somehow do the 'banana-peel' open, and things just go downhill and every where from there.

So I have this sandwich. In the perfect wrapper. And I take my first bite.


Conundrum: The sandwich had only the slightest hint of mayonnaise on it. (I don't know about you, but I am a mayo slather-er. Mayo should be it's own layer within a sandwich; it should NEVER be so thin that it soaks into the bread before you have a chance to put anything else on.)
So what should I do? Sacrifice this perfect sandwich holder just to load up my hoagie with an emulsion of eggs and oil? Or get over it and eat the rest of my somewhat dry but still edible sandwich?
I tell you, for someone who takes their laziness and sandwiches as seriously as I do, this was a big decision.

Laziness and cleanliness won. I finished my dry sandwich in peace. It was delicious, down to the last bite. Maybe cutting back on the mayo isn't always so bad....

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

First Parental Sleep-over

My dad is coming to visit today. It will be nice because he'll be by himself, with no evil wife tagging along. Not that she would dare come anyway. Our place is too middle-of-the-road for her. "If it's not slums, or 5 star, I don't stay there." I digress.
He'll be here in 8 hours. I am glad the play-off's start tonight and we'll have something to watch, to do, to keep us pre-occupied. Otherwise, I don't know how I will entertain him. We're not really ''talkers". I mean we have conversations about the daily happenings, but it never gets deep. It's kind of awkward at the beginning - like we are learning who the other person is all over again. And both know that the other is covering up the depression inside of them. Trying to be brave. Trying to be tough. Trying to be independent.
I know for me it's not working. I can tell in his voice over the phone it's not working for him.
We're both so fragile. Funny how our pride gets in our way.
I am my father's daughter.

In other news, that is all.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

The Impression

My weight has gone up and down many times throughout my life, which also means that I have amassed a collection of clothes that ranges from size 10 to size 16; from medium to extra large; from tight and sexy to super-loose and super-baggy. Since my body shape and weight has yo-yo'd so much, I made a habit of hanging onto started hoarding those clothes that don't-quite-fit-anymore, you know, just in case there came a day that they may fit again.

And that day has FINALLY come.
Before we moved, I made time to purge all of the ugly out of my closet, but other than that everything else went into a suitcase, or a box. (Including all of my clothes-that-are-too-small-but-I-still-plan-to-wear-them-one-day.) Now that I am unpacking, I am taking the time to try everything on, and asking myself the following:

  1. Is this something someone my age should be wearing? (I am 28, and yes I know it's sad for me to be hanging onto that one t-shirt I wore a lot in high-school - but hey, retro is always in, rite?)
  2. Does this item truly fit me properly, (or am I just kidding myself)?
  3. Is this something I will wear more than once, and not as a costume?
  4. Do I have things to wear with it - pants/skirts (if a top) or shirts (if bottoms), accessories, shoes, etc?
  5. Will I actually wear it, or will it sit in my closet for another 10 years?
Anything that gets a solid no to the first two questions automatically goes in the 'To Donate' box. Nothing has made it to question 3 yet. I don't think many items will. However, I am proud to say that out of one mini-suitcase and one medium sized box, I have added 7 pairs of jeans, 2 pairs of capri's and a pair of cargo khaki's to the donate box - all because they are waaaay too big for me. Most of my t-shirts have passed the test. (Well, some are going to the 'Dust-Rag Bin'.) And I still have 3 large Rubbermaid totes & 2 medium sized suitcases to unpack, plus 4 boxes of shoes to go... I have a bit of an addiction...
My new goal is to hoard only keep things that fit me NOW. Not things that fit me 5 years ago, or will fit me 20 lbs less from now. I am happy with myself as is. I don't need to pretend I will 'one day' fit into a pair of jeans I bought in grade 9 just because I have been hanging onto them for 14 years. It's time for me to look in the mirror and really start to appreciate who I am and what I have, and to represent myself better as I am NOW. Because I know I haven't been the best at that. I am ready to take better care of my self and share my true self with the world. The put-together, sane, reasonable, well-dressed, me. 

First impressions... I wish they weren't so fucking daunting.

Monday, April 4, 2011

On the Inside

We do it all.
On our own.

So alone. So unknown. And life goes on.

I don't need
or anyone.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Another 1st Saturday, Another Legion Breakfast

  • it's a point form kind of day.
  • the house is cold + arthritis in my hands = difficult to type
  • woke up early to meet with friends for breakfast at the legion. 
    • a cheap and delicious way to kick off the weekend.
  • come home to cuddle on couch with kitteh's, Husband, blankets, and laptop, in no particular order.
    • Husband turned on the video games
    • kitteh's are sleeping elsewhere
  • now time for my nap

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

The Towel

I am usually pretty good at remembering what is mine and what isn't. I can remember where it came from, or who gave it to me. And I generally can remember how much I paid for it, if I bought it myself. I am really weird about using my own stuff (vs using the communal stuff reserved for visitors), so at our house we tend to have overstock on a bunch of miscellaneous personal things like towels and pillow cases etc.

Last night, Husband prepared a hot shower for me - he's the sweetest, hey? and had set out a dark brown towel for me to dry off with. No big deal at all, but I was slightly confused cause I tend to use a giant grey towel. When I asked him about why he chose brown over grey he said that the brown towel is also mine. I stared at the towel. It looked so foreign to me. So unfamiliar and so strange. It wasn't a 'oh, I just forgot we had this towel' kind of forget. It was a full on 'I have genuinely never seen this towel in my life - how and where did this come from and you say I have used said towel before? Ridiculous!'. I still don't recall where this towel was acquired. After thinking about it all night, I can vaguely recollect using the towel in our old apartment, however, I can't tell if those memories are contrived or true.

But it's just a fucking towel. It's not the end of the world.

I just can't seem to shake the uneasiness that comes along with not knowing my own reality.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Lazy Sunday

Morning Food:

Breakfast Poutine.


Afternoon Hugs:

My Amos


the perfect afternoon.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

randoms on a tuesday afternoon. (it is tuesday, right?)

  • i took enzo outside for the first time today - no leash, no collar, just trust.  she explored the back patio for a few minutes in the sunshine. enzo listens very well for a cat, and she was pretty good about coming inside when i asked her to. 
    • Amos on the other hand, will require a leash and a nametag. i could see him trying to climb the house and then getting stuck on the roof. He is already trying to climb the brick on the fireplace inside, and once he figures out how, he'll be sitting on the mantle in no time.
  • we went to a friends place last night for dinner. The wife is an AMAZING cook. She made curried rice with chicken, and a mushroom gravy sauce which was soooooo yummy. Then for dessert she made a three layer chocolate cake with chocolate covered strawberries, hand-whipped whipped creme and strawberry sauce. TO DIE FOR. when i told her that we would be back for dinner tomorrow, she said ok, see you then! 
  • The bad dreams are starting to come back. Is it because I have conflict in my mind and it's coming out in my dreams through my sub-conscious, or is it the other way around? 
  • What do you do when a new friend you make looks like a dopple-ganger of one of your ex's?
  • Am I alone in thinking that Inception was 'just OK'?
Happy Tuesday! And happy 2:22.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

The First Week


  • built all of the 'build-it-yourself' furniture including a computer desk, 4 bookcases, a cd tower, a futon couch/base, and a wardrobe unit
  • unpacked & hung-up all of his clothes
  • ran cable to 2 rooms & set up TV in the bedroom
  • created his man-shelf which display all of his man-memorabilia
  • had the best sleep ever all week
  • caulked. that's what she said.
  • cleaned the inside of the creepy kitchen cupboards
  • measured, cut & lined the cupboards with new shelf liner
  • dishwashered some dishes
  • unpacked pretty decor to add to bookshelf in living room
  • placed multiple candles inside fireplace 
  • dusted, vacuumed, mr. cleaned and windexed most of the house
  • had the best sleep ever all week
  • made empty-box forts for the cats

Sunday, March 13, 2011

The First Weekend

We had our first family sleep-over in our new house Friday night. Husband and I and our two kitteh's climbed into our brand new king size bed; with brand new soft, cotton sheets; and plush, cozy, fleece cover. It was the best sleep I have had since my honeymoon last September.

Husband and I spent most of both days cleaning, unpacking, building Ikea units (ha, ha units), as well as decorating, and enjoying the view here and there. We managed to unpack most of the kitchen, living room, dining room, both bathrooms and master bedroom. I think by the end of the week, most of the boxes will be empty, and the house will be pretty much 'in order'. My closet is another story...

The kitteh's are enjoying every moment of it too. Amos loves running and sliding down the hall on the laminate floor. Enzo is enjoying climbing among the boxes and discarded newspaper, looking for new places to hide. They love the new window-sills to sit in, and the different birds to chatter at.

Our place is slowly coming together. And it's already starting to feel like home.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Shedding 'The Fat Girl' Off

At this time last year I hovered around the 212lb. mark. I stopped looking at the scale after seeing that number; I I stopped buying bigger clothes after seeing that number. On my 5'8" pear-shaped frame, I wasn't just overweight, I was obese.


Just thinking of the word made me feel sick. I mean, I knew had put on some weight, but I certainly didn't think it was that bad. (I have always been super self conscious about my weight, considering I have always been on the "curvier" side. Thanks German and Russian genes!)

After several crying bouts during waves of mania and depression I asked my Psych Dr. if there was something he could give me, or if there was a different combo I could try to combat my weight problem and keep my crazy in check.* Turns out: check and check. Dr. Pysch changed up my meds and the transition was about to begin.

Life over the next few months had moments of stress. My husband(to-be at the time) had moved 4 hours away for work; I was planning our (destination) wedding;  my job was going to be ending in the month after we returned from our honeymoon; and our apartment building was turning into a crack-house (a story for another day). Last summer was also one of the hottest I can ever remember. My guy had our vehicle, so I walked EVERYWHERE. Plus I bought a pair of those Easy Tone shoes for the extra ass-sculpting. Walking home from work, I would be drenched in sweat by the time I reached my front door. Living alone during the summer, meant I was also cooking for one. Small meals, small plates, small forks. My favorite little luxury was stopping off at the local market to pick up fresh provisions to make a caprese salad with a side of fresh foccacia and proscuitto.

The combination of the stress, the new meds, the exercise & the simpler eating helped me to lose about 30 lbs. by the end of August. (It fluctuates cause of girl reasons... you know how it goes...) By our wedding day on the 8th of September, I felt absolutely beautiful and happy with my self image for the first time, in as long as I could remember.

Since September I have lost another 24-ish lbs. I am so close to my goal of 150. Eight pounds away. Only 8 more lbs. of thigh and ass to tighten. Only 8 more lbs. of tricep flags to whittle down. I know it's only a number. But it's a healthy number. It's a safe number. It's where I should be.

Plus the other highlight is: all my old clothes fit again, so it's like I have a whole new wardrobe! Woot! Woot!

*For those who don't know, many anti-depressants, anti-anxiety meds, and anti-psychotics have the shitty side-effect of excess weight gain. We're already suffering enough madness and then we gain excess weight? How awful is that?

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

The Universe Will Keep Pinching You Until You Wake Up

Yesterday Kyla Roma posted about an antique calendar she found with an old horoscope taped to the back:

“Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22) 
New challenges keep you on your toes.

Start looking for a solution at the first sign of a problem.

Life must go on – it is time to emerge from your self-imposed exile.”

Being a Libra, it of course caught my eye. After reading it for the umpteenth time, I have come to see it as a sign that I need to shape up. These words could not have come into my life at a more appropriate time than now, nor could they ring more true to me than they do at this moment in time. 

Thank-you universe for the message. I got it loud & clear. 

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

99 Bottles of Fear On the Wall...

I stopped drinking socially, for good, this year.
I quit for a various reasons. Too many messy reactions - physically, mentally, emotionally - have pushed me away forever, save for the odd glass of Pinot Gris at holiday gatherings with family. I do miss it, but I don't at the same time.

One thing that sucks is that I have forgotten how to be the outgoing self that came out when I drank. When I am sober I tend to be shy in group settings. Generally a little paranoid because I usually don't know how to keep the conversation going. That entertaining, inhibited, confident self that comes out around two or three drinks (before turning into the loud, 'i think i can dance' girl who knows the words to every song and gives every guy in the room the 'fuck me' eyes) is in me somewhere but struggles to come out.
I am awkward.
I am inappropriate.
I make dumb jokes.
I act like a sixth grader at their first co-ed party.
Purely & socially inept.

Husband is a huge social butterfly. Whether he is drinking or not, he can carry on a conversation like no body's business. However, lately his reactions to conversations I try to hold with him are becoming more bamboozling, and the drinking does not help. It's not a problem, the drinking. It's just 'the thing to do'. I don't say that to defend him. I say that because it's true. It's a social thing, and there is nothing wrong with that.

However I need to work on my social skills. I need to re-learn how to properly interact with people without the aid of booze. I need some go-to statements that are a guarantee no-fail topic, that won't end up with me having my foot in my mouth.

What are your tricks? How do you succeed at being social? How do you develop and maintain that confidence without the assistance of a little drinky-drink? 

Monday, March 7, 2011

the doctor

i get a new psych doctor soon. i am not sure if this is good news or bad news. my current med combo is ok - if i remember to take it at the same time every day. I have alarms set to remind me, but I tend to fuck that up on a regular basis. 
i try not to let it affect me. i try to maintain the norm. i thought this winter would be different. stronger meds would equal less hurting. i keep that SO completely conscious in my mind. that my emotions are just a figment. that my chaos can be controlled. that the hurt will go away. but still the darkness simmers on the back burner. 
and with the lack of correct emotional escape, that pot will boil over. 
lately there has been more darkness added, some thru faults of my own. some thru unexpected circumstances. some thru mis-communications that don't make sense to me. 
i can feel the bubbles rising already. 
it's going to be a messy spill.

Friday, March 4, 2011

What I Need to Learn

“Never compare your journey with someone else’s. It’s a marathon with no finish line. Someone else may start out faster than you, may seem to progress more quickly than you, but every runner has his own pace. Your journey is your journey, not a competition. You will never “arrive”. No one ever does."
- Cheryl Jacobs Nicolai

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

cadbury cream eggs

i got the itch.
every year.
i crave the eggs.
husband has been the best easter bunny, hiding eggs around the house.
even though easter is forever away.
time to start hoarding eggs.
before i go into withdrawal for another year.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

turning the page

we did it! we found a home (for rent); we signed the lease; and we can move in any time!
we can finally start sleeping in our OWN bed.
we can finally have our kitteh's back.
we can finally stop living out of suitcases.
we can finally finish the prologue of our move
and start on chapter one of small town livin'.

Friday, February 25, 2011

and i cant delete it and i cant take it back

i had a bad moment last night.
i had anxieties building up from the chaos in my head so i began to write.
i write because it's cathartic to me.
and when i want to tell someone how much i feel they are hurting me, but i dont have the balls to say it to them, i write to them, to get it off my chest.
last night i wrote a letter.
i was 100% sure i had not posted it publicly; i was 100% sure it was just me that could read it; i felt 100% better that i could let go of my issues that are 100% in my head and are selfish and stupid and really petty and lame.
i fucked up.
i really fucked up.
this morning (i fear that) it was posted publicly.
tho it's not like i can ask if anyone saw it for fear of bringing attention to the matter; however if it was seen, i have most likely irreparably damaged something i never thought i would be the one to break.

Monday, February 21, 2011

The Monday of My Content

Some things turned around in my universe today. Due to some mis-communications I have been holding back on invoicing for the work I have been doing over the last month or so. This means I haven't been paid since mid-January. This also means my husband has been my sugar daddy for the last little while. Not that there is anything wrong with that; however I really like having my own money. Guess I am a little more independent than most...

I was allowed to send in two invoices today, which is ka-ching for me. My credit card debts will be a little lighter; my car loan will get a little bonus; and I might have enough to spoil myself with a new pair of boots.
i have been looking for you since October... and you come in my size!!!

So what I'm sayin' is a giant cheque is in the mail. Happy Monday to me! 
I wonder what tomorrow brings...

Friday, February 18, 2011


A collection of WTF's: Friday Edition:
  • Learn my Name Bitches. Husband & I received our security deposit back from our former apartment living quarters. It was $40 short and made out to the wrong name. Thus begins the Battle of the Check. The saddest part is, we have lived there for 7 years, and both the lease and all of the checks we have used to pay our rent have both Husbands' and my name in full on them, so there is no reason for them to send us a check with the incorrect name. And when it goes to dispute resolution (which i am fully expecting it will) I have the perfect person to represent us - but I have to keep that Ace up my sleeve until then.
  • The Dr. Phil Show. Before February, I wouldn't give his show the time of day, unless it was an episode that was super good (ie - usually to do with a crime of some sort). Most of his shows were super droll, and I really couldn't stand the sound of his voice, or any of his advice. But this month, THIS month, I have thrown that out the door. I am slowly becoming addicted to the daytime trash of american problems. From Hotsauce Mom, and Controlling Husbands, to Teens Obsessed with Love, and Crazy Cults. I tell ya, it's frickin' more addictive than a bag of chips. 
  • Distractions. I have lots around me right now and i am super giddy and can't concentrate. happy weekend! 

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

The Highlight of my Day

Courtesy of

the parts you dont understand

we didn't get the house. we found out on Monday evening. it mattered then. but today i couldn't care less.
monday was a really hard day. i was ready to crumble and let my body cave in and have the physical breakdown that i could feel was coming. I was able to hold it off for about 24 hours, but last night ... last night.
it started when i inadvertently deleted 5 hours of work that i had been slaving over all day. I was so close to finishing my project; so close to handing it in; so close to being able to invoice for the work i had done, so i can get paid; so close to feeling like i have accomplished something in my life.
i just needed a good cry. to get those frustrations out. i dont smoke, i cant drink, so crying was the next best thing. before i knew it, husband and i were fighting over how stressful things have been lately. it got a little heated because he doesn't understand how I handle stress. and combined with my crazy, it makes an unstable situation inside of me. we bitched back and forth at each other but i think we just needed to vent. at the end we were hugging and back to our usual iloveyousomuch selves.
then i showed husband the stress test list. I scored over 450 and he scored over 500.
we need each to be strong for each other.
cause neither of us can't do this alone.
and i hope we never have to.

Monday, February 14, 2011

roller coaster living

we placed the offer on 'our' house last night. an hour later we found out someone else had made an offer too. the fall from high to low was a drop i was not expecting so soon.
But we haven't lost hope yet. We will know tonight by 6pm if our offer has been accepted, rejected, or if a counter-offer is being sent our way.
I keep repeating: 'If it is meant to be it will manifest as so' to myself. Right now, this is our only plan - we don't want to consider anything else, so that we don't self-sabotage our thinking. Plan B will be planned after Plan A is officially over.

My fingers are crossed so tight they are almost falling off. Plan A better fucking come through for us.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Stress Math

one potential dream house + two first time buyers = a case of the 'icantsleeps'
two self employed newlyweds + not much of a down payment = the potential of being denied a mortgage
four loving parents + an offer to co-sign as backers for our potential mortgage = lifesavers. not the candy kind. but just as sweet.
the thoughts of making an offer + making an offer+ adding subjects + hoping that it's accepted + working to remove the subjects = a long few weeks ahead
i better stock up on some chocolate.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

follow-up to the shenanigans of last night

the sleep monster tossed and turned and flopped around all night. in the early morning after his alarm went off, he did his usual routine, however, instead of coming into the bedroom to kiss me good-bye before getting into his cigarette smoke filled construction clothes, he obnoxiously stumbles in, turns the venetian blinds from one direction to the next  (bright morning + me facing the window = WTF?!?!) and then attempts to kiss me goodbye, as the light is clearly strewn across my face from his venetian-blind-fucking-aroundness. 
i pulled away. 
he departs, leaving a wake of sweat, dirt, cigarette, and construction behind him. 
i know i am made it worse today. i don't care. 
i am sick of him taking his stress out on me and telling me i am the one with the problem. 
it's time for him to be accountable for once.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

who has the problem now?

when wife is told that a missing bag containing about $500 worth of her cosmetics and make-up has been found, and husband says who cares about the make-up, i'm just glad the passports are safe...

when wife - who hates driving, and is fairly self conscious about it - is driving home and is making a right hand turn off the highway, and husband mutters a condescending profanity under his breath about how poorly wife drives...

when husband asks wife a question but she doesn't understand what he means so she asks him to clarify and he just keep repeating the same words, while getting frustrated with her for not understanding what he is saying...

when husband calls wife out and asks her what her problem is, and when she replies him because he is acting like a dick towards her after citing examples as mentioned above...

when husband throws a tantrum telling wife she is the one who clearly has trouble understanding things, and stomps off to bed without so much as a goodnight...

Thursday, February 3, 2011

fucking health insurance

this will be short. because thinking about it makes me cry.
when my contract at my previous job ended, it also meant my all-inclusive, fully covered benefits ended too. my meds are expensive. I spend anywhere from $180-$400 a month, depending on what i need, so my main concern is having a health plan that covers those expenses. 'Fear not' said my old company, 'you can apply for an individual plan as long as you do it within 60 days.' So i did.
a month later i am declined. apparently they will not cover pre-existing conditions. fucking bull-shit. even if i apply for any of their other plans they will not cover pre-existing conditions. WTF? I was covered previously - what has changed?
ugh! if anyone out there who stumbles across my page and knows about health insurance in british columbia (i am super clueless) please help me! i dont understand how this whole thing works when i am not covered by a plan thru an employer... stupid self employment...{insert shaky fist}

sleepless again

i am more than wide awake, lurking on new blogs and sorting through my reader. oh how full it was... i don't know whether it's stress or sugar or over tiredness that is keeping me awake. i would say an 80%/12%/8% combo of the three.
The stress has been so awesome for helping me get skinny tho. the jiggly flags of skin under my arms are almost gone, and my thighs are shrinking every week. a welcome miracle considering one of the nasty names i was called in school was 'Thunder Thighs'.
the side effects of the stress have been less desirable - migraines, nausea, anxiety to name a few. it's all normal considering the circumstances. i just keep telling my self to breath and take it one moment at a time. but reality is extremely overwhelming right now.

dear self,
be proud of yourself. you are doing really well, considering the dark stormy place you could be right now. in the last year you have accomplished so much, and that deserves a mega high 5. you lost 50 lbs. and still continue to lose more. you married your best friend after planning the most amazing wedding of the 21st century together. you hand-made 99% of the ceremony and reception stationary projects, as well as designed most of the personalized wedding elements. you had the wildest bach party with all of your dearest ladies in the most sinful place on earth. good times were had by all - even those who got lost along the way. you have made a conscious decision to live in a positive and optimistic state of mind. you are surrounded by people that care about you, respect you, and support you, no matter what you do.
be proud of yourself. you are doing really well.