The Rebirth of Amos

I stumbled across this today...

The reincarnation of my former sweetheart, Amos.

One Thing At A Time

It's all about simplifying your life nowadays. Focusing on one thing at a time. Taking the time to put your full attention into each task instead of half-assing multiple things at once.

I used to be proud of how well I could multi-task. How well I could balance so many things at once. How well I could handle 'all the stress'. Until I realized how many mistakes I was making. How much attitude I was giving. How much I resented everything and everyone around me.

Fuck that life.

Simplicity is better.

Until the next fad comes along...

The Pink Pony

If I tell you not to think about pink ponies, all you will be able to think about is pink ponies.

No matter how hard you try to forget them, they will keep galloping back into your mind.

There is a pink pony in my mind that will not go away. It taunts me daily. It's something that catches me off guard at the most unlikely moments. And once I start thinking about it, I can't let go.

My depression this month has gotten worse. I spent a lot of time alone. On purpose. I wanted time to think. To process. To understand.

I am no further ahead.
I still have no idea where I want to go.
I still have no idea what I want to do.
I still have no idea who I am.

I feel blank. Empty. Hollow. Vacant. Mentally unavailable.

Except for that fucking pink pony who trots its threatening thought into my head during the most inappropriate of times.

My week thus far

- spending time with crazy pup
- nature walks
- keeping warm

Good-Bye Lady Bits

My sweet sweet pup is getting spayed tomorrow. Her dream of being a mama is over. But I am sure she would love to raise a litter of kittens.

The Grass Grows All 'Round

Now that the killer blazing sun has dissipated for the year, our lawn has begun to grow in. So quaint.
It shows me that life can even grow from the most unlikely of places.

The Dog Days Are Over

I woke up to the most brilliant blue skies today. Everything I had planned for, turned 180 degrees. 

Promises broken. 

A giant 'fuck you' in my head, but more like a 'sorry I can't' in real life. 

Does what I have to say matter? Do my feelings count?

Fuck respect. Fuck what I think. Cause you always know better.

Another birthday of disappointment.

If this is what getting older is, I want to stop today.

The Birthday Eve

I am already not prepared not to face my day tomorrow.
There isn't a clear way to explain the muddle in my head. Parts of shame. Parts of jealousy. Parts of rejection. Parts of self-inflicted isolation. Parts of not wanting to be a drama queen but knowing all I want is attention.
Some haunted skeletons are seeking the light. I need to determine the root of their cause. Find out where a child learned such adult things. Settle the guilt inside my head.
Anyone know a good psychic?

Writers Block

I have so much to say yet I can't remember my stories when it comes time to writing them down. I'll just start talking about my week. Something is bound to spill out from there.... Last night we went to a fancy restaurant to celebrate a friends birthday. They brought their almost-10-month old daughter who is adorable and squishy and so very funny. But the fucking lungs in this child, my cod, she could break glass. She got a couple of really shrill screams out, and cried near the end of dinner; luckily the restaurant wasn't busy.... I felt bad for the table behind us, as their meal was interrupted several times by the kid; but I also felt bad for the baby's parents. It's not like they can duct tape the child's mouth closed to keep it quiet. And she was super good for the majority of the time. Recently some restaurants in the US have a initiated a 'no children' policy. It's sad that people are so ignorant about the behavior of their children, that restaurants have to do this. However it allows restauranteurs to creates a niche market for a more sophisticated dining experience that will allow children. I'm not a parent, however I do have common sense. Common sense tells me that I do not bring a baby to the opera. Common sense tells me that people around me may not love kids kicking their airplane seat; or wailing away while daddy sleeps with earplugs, and mommy hands baby off to a stranger so she can watch the in flight movie (true story while on a 9 hour flight - still seething that people this irresponsible are allowed to have kids) Common sense tells me that if I bring a baby to a golf game, it had better stay asleep while I sink this putt. Personally, I can't say what I would do. I don't have a kid, so I can't say if I would take them to restaurants that aren't so kid friendly or not. but I do know FOR SURE that I will respect the people around me and apologize, and (temporarily) leave if my spawn causes any problems. Good thing I love Denny's, IHOP, Wendy's & Pizza Hut! Hey look at that! A whole rant about bratty kids. I am getting old. Next I will be putzing around in a rascal scooter!

The Countdown

Ten more days until my 29th birthday. Not that i am expecting my 29th year to be any more spectacular than any other year, but I really want to document it. A picture every day. A mood check every day. A sound clip, written down as eloquently as I can possibly type it. At least then, for my 30th, I will have something to show my self. Show why it is worth surviving.
I never, ever thought I would live to see my 30th birthday. I have one year left to prove to my self I am worth it.