Wednesday, December 22, 2010

the flame

he was at a party i attended a while ago. an old friend with benefits. a buddy with whom i would play spin the bottle with just the two of us. a pal who kept my flirting skills up to par, until i met the man i now call my husband.

it's been a few years since we caught up. filling each other in on our current lives over drinks. i had a leftover buzz from the pre-saucing i did (what can i say- money is tight rite now); his buzz was in its prime.
the party got louder.
the crowd grew larger.
holding a conversation had come down to half-shouting into each other's ear. but we made no effort to remedy this. we didn't move to a quieter spot in the venue; we didn't forgo our chat to rock out to the band on-stage; we just continued standing closer and closer together.
Then leaning up against one another. Not in a provocative way; not in a sixth-grade-30-cm- dance kind of way; just leaning side-by-side.
And then we both leaned in to say something. Something witty, something funny, something i don't even know. We both started talking; he stopped to let me go ahead.
lent me his ear so he could hear better.
he thought i wouldn't see.
he smelled my hair as i spoke. a deep breathe.
i pretended not to notice.
such a small gesture means nothing. doesn't it?
i pretended not to get giddy inside like a fucking 15 year old.
the flashback of memories read across his face like an open book.
i pretended that it didn't feel powerful to have that seduction over him.
his grin grew wider with each sip of his drink.
and it felt fucking awesome.
i am sure know that if i were single we would have gone home together that night.
nothing of the sort took place. (for those keeping tabs).
we didn't even have a chance to say goodbye before going our separate ways.
i was on air all the way home though.
maybe it was the confirmation from an outside source that i still have 'it'?
maybe it was the sauce talking and the meds and my mind tricking me into building my self esteem?
maybe i was just craving attention and was looking for it anywhere i could get it?
maybe i just used really good shampoo that day....?

what i do know for sure is although flirting with my past flame is fun, those candles are now out and the matches are tossed.
i have my perma-flame candle now.
he is the only one i should seduce and flirt with.
he is all i ever need.
he is all mine.
i just wish he were home....

Monday, December 13, 2010

the "family" christmas

Ever since my wedding i have been trying to muster up confidence to explain to my dad why i don't want to spend time with his wife. my 'chickenshitness' over rode me and although i have been able to have legitimate reasons for not coming around when invited, Christmas is something that I could not escape.
Yesterday was 'Christmas with Dad'. We went for brunch at the 'fancy hotel at the airport' - one of many fancy hotels in our city. (But the airport? Seriously?) Everyone brought a $50 gift card to throw into a hat, and then we drew for our 'gift'. I got my own. i am glad because it was a MasterCard GC so i can spend it anywhere.
but it felt more like a Christmas party for a small office.
very cold.
very reserved.
very obligatory.
what part of this says fun family gathering?
i have been fighting a cold all week so it was nice that i could use that as an excuse not to go near anyone. (i am such a brat.) It was more of an excuse to stay away from them, than it was for them to stay away from me.
But of course She had to show off how nice she can play,
pretending she gets along with everyone that isn't related to her by blood,
pretending to feign an interest in the lives she couldn't really care less about,
pretending to laugh and enjoy herself.
But I heard the comments.
The ones made under her breathe about the poor service (it was fine), and the crappy food (it was ok). I'm sure there were more, but i tend to block her as much as possible.
i miss the christmas's that were celebrated around a tree with homemade food and fun games. where we actually wanted to be there and enjoyed every one's company. but i know why we don't have those anymore: because we (ie my dad's side of the family) are not significant enough to bother being hosted at a gathering of such proportions.
you may be thinking i am bitter and jealous and ragey and am being a brat. i thought so too at first - when this cattiness all started when i was 18 and She treated me like shit yet i got the blame for having a bad attitude. I have tried to be nice; to be cordial; to ignore the insults; to have matter-of-fact comebacks; to stand up for myself. I have come to realize i am not the problem. and i am not the only one who agrees. my wedding was the final straw. i have made a decision not to be around the ones that bring me down.
and i don't expect him to choose. that is not the point of this at all.
its not about me vs. her.
its about consideration.
its about humility.
its about respect.

at least its over for this year. and i can put off being around Her for another 365 days...

Sunday, December 5, 2010

a request

this next week is going to be an exhausting week. please give me the strength to survive.
to fake it when i need to.
to walk out when i have said my peace.
to keep walking when i can feel my legs buckling.
and make it possible for me not to be selfish.
or rude.
or graceless.
or overindulgent.
or thankless.
take care of me.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

much more than respect

Back in tha day, i used sex to get what i wanted; to manipulate; to satisfy my needs; to pretend i had power.
really i was fooling myself.
i knew all i was looking for was attention and control - neither of which i actually got. but like any true addict looking to fill the void of darkness inside, i would pretend that i loved everything about what(who?) i was doing while trying to forget my real self. if i could imagine it away then i would be happy, right? i was never emotionally attached. fuck, i can't even remember half of their names. (are you proud of me mom?)
but it's been over 8 years now.
and i thought i had grown up.
i thought i had gotten over my ghosts, my skeletons, my demons.
i thought i had been able to break down the wall built around me, trusting that i would not be hurt, or feel used, or be discarded.
cause with him it's supposed to be different.

i'm his wife. i am not a fucking piece of meat to be ready at his beck and call. but maybe that's my fault because lately i have built up a wall blocking any emotional response. however i feel like there is no connection coming from him either, so who is to say i am the only one who has a wall...
perhaps it's a mutual resentment? he resents me because i dont fuck him 24/7; i resent him because his expectations are constantly physical and rarely emotional. i feel like i am with a stranger when i am with him. like i have to get to know him every time i see him. i am guarded because i need to protect my ego and my self (in the psychologically sense so i don't have a fucking nervous breakdown).
the breaks in between where we don't see each other are becoming less stressful than actually being with him. how fucked up is that? who says that about their soulmate?
how do you deal when you are too stressed to fuck?
what then?

Friday, November 12, 2010

Cure for Procrastination

I am one of the worst procrastinators I know. Probably the worst ever. Even when I set mini-goals and deadlines I end up pushing them back because I know I can. It's sad really. I have the drive to start projects, and to start doing things, but never the will to complete them. I either lose interest or just put it off cause I know I can.
I need a fire lit under my ass. I need inspiration. I need that drive that successful people have. Where can I get that? How do I find that in me? How do I rid myself of the lazy fuck and find the dedicated and driven self that I should be by now?
Even now as I type, I want to go back to bed instead of working on the project I should have been working on for the last 4 hours...
What am I 14? Fuck!
Must get back to work...

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

the words

I wasn't officially diagnosed with a mental disorder until 2007, although i had known since the age of 13 that things weren't right inside my head. It was a constant struggle of depression and anger and self-hate. now, after 15+ years of trying to heal me, i have finally found a band-aid. The wound will always bleed, but i now know how to fix it.


Earlier this year the great Alexander McQueen tweeted "From heaven to hell and back again, life is a funny thing. ..." Eleven days later he took his life from this earth.

his words resonated with me. figuring out the bullshit was hell. there were days... let's just say there were days. and i am lucky to still be here.
and i still have trouble letting it go.
i still have trouble getting out of bed.
i still have trouble looking people in the eye and saying i am truly ok.

McQueen's quote fits beautifully on my ribs in a distressed typewriter font. The pain a reminder of the hell i went through when sorting out the chaos in my own self. The words a reminder of how far i have come. The ink forever tattooed on my skin as a badge of honor.

Monday, November 8, 2010

did you see it in the stars

eight years ago tonight we thought it would be the first and last time that we would drink and talk and kiss, among other things. seven years and 10 months later we walked down the aisle in las vegas, officially husband and wife. what a crazy adventure in time we have shared and continue to live. i am so happy with the little family we have created. all 3 of you make me feel so warm and fuzzy inside.
i never thought i would be loved this long. tolerated. put up with. i am a lot to handle. its amazing how much you love me. it makes me cry to even think about it. i am the most lucky girl in the world to have met you, and even luckier for having you as my best friend in life. as my partner in crime. as my lovah. as my husband. as my soul-mate.
i love you.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Running Away in Circles is Useless

I've always been the strong one. The one who will ALWAYS be there. The one who goes along with everything. who takes it because that's what a reliable person does. Who never falters or waivers. not this time.
why is it when you want to be left alone you are smothered but when you ask for help no one hears you?
I am going to break this winter. i can feel it. i shake so much and i can't relax. i am so tense all of the time. i just can't relax.
and its because i know that this time my solutions are going to be different. and they're going to be honest. and they're going to hurt.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

knowing where to begin

life is flipping around like a cement mixer again.
i am freshly married but husband lives 4 hours away. its for a worthy cause - to set up our life in a new town, while i finish business in our current home. i am still coming to terms.

i ended a 5-year stint at a company, which has left me quite jaded. i expected a little bit more fuss over my departure. how selfish is that... i suppose i am just looking for some validation from certain people within the company. now to start getting over it and move on...

husband came home this past weekend to spend some quality time with me. we hadn't seen each other since thanksgiving. i didn't evaluate in my own head how difficult the separation would be. we spent most of the summer apart - him working out of town - and i didn't have separation issues then. perhaps i was so preoccupied with everything i didn't have time to feel alone.

but now...

it made me really sad to see that he wanted to spend his time packing up the house; tearing apart bookcases; boxing up memories. i wasn't prepared for that. i still have two months to live here.

it made me cry inside after telling him i don' want to spend our only weekend together reminding ourselves that we are leaving and separating again. but for whatever reason i understand it's cathartic for him.

i just wish we could have spent the time holding each other and adventuring in the world instead of stirring up the dust and piling up boxes around the room.

i am so angry and nervous and closed off. i want to be ok with everything. but i cant settle the tornado's in my head. is it because i think too fast and too much so what i say has no context? if the things i do say out loud are continuously disregarded...

how can i make myself more clear?