the flame

he was at a party i attended a while ago. an old friend with benefits. a buddy with whom i would play spin the bottle with just the two of us. a pal who kept my flirting skills up to par, until i met the man i now call my husband.

it's been a few years since we caught up. filling each other in on our current lives over drinks. i had a leftover buzz from the pre-saucing i did (what can i say- money is tight rite now); his buzz was in its prime.

the party got louder.

the crowd grew larger.

holding a conversation had come down to half-shouting into each other's ear. but we made no effort to remedy this. we didn't move to a quieter spot in the venue; we didn't forgo our chat to rock out to the band on-stage; we just continued standing closer and closer together.

Then leaning up against one another. Not in a provocative way; not in a sixth-grade-30-cm- dance kind of way; just leaning side-by-side.

And then we both leaned in to say something. Something witty, something funny, something i don't even know. We both started talking; he stopped to let me go ahead.

lent me his ear so he could hear better.

he thought i wouldn't see.

he smelled my hair as i spoke. a deep breathe.

i pretended not to notice.

such a small gesture means nothing. doesn't it?

i pretended not to get giddy inside like a fucking 15 year old.

the flashback of memories read across his face like an open book.

i pretended that it didn't feel powerful to have that seduction over him.

his grin grew wider with each sip of his drink.

and it felt fucking awesome.

i am sure know that if i were single we would have gone home together that night.

nothing of the sort took place. (for those keeping tabs).

we didn't even have a chance to say goodbye before going our separate ways.

i was on air all the way home though.

maybe it was the confirmation from an outside source that i still have 'it'?

maybe it was the sauce talking and the meds and my mind tricking me into building my self esteem?

maybe i was just craving attention and was looking for it anywhere i could get it?

maybe i just used really good shampoo that day....?

what i do know for sure is although flirting with my past flame is fun, those candles are now out and the matches are tossed.

i have my perma-flame candle now.

he is the only one i should seduce and flirt with.

he is all i ever need.

he is all mine.

i just wish he were home....