we did it

good byes. no more apartment in the big city. no more being within a 20 minute walk to any awesome thing happening downtown. no more 24 hour life-style. no more shopping at some of the better stores on the west side of the rocky mountains, on a random afternoon. no more fancy restaurants or clubbing. no more traffic and loud crazy drunks. no more binners and potential bed bug infestations. no more chaos of bike lanes and road rage and busy sidewalks and packed transit. it is no more.

we moved 100% out. all of it. all the garbage. all the crap. all the dirt. all the plants. all the stuff we wanted to keep but couldn't. all the stuff we couldn't remember why we even kept.
we spent all weekend painting, scrubbing, vacuuming, wiping, spraying, squeegeeing, and more and more scrubbing to ensure we'd get the damage deposit back. The theme was, if it was paintable, paint over the dirt; if you could wash only one side and turn the thing to face the other way so landlord doesnt see, wash only one side; if looked 'man clean'* then it was clean enough for us.

and then it was time for packing the truck. to the point where we had to roll down windows in order to keep filling the thing because items would fall out when the door was open. i have no idea how we are going to unload. will power i suppose. i hope my back works tomorrow....

(*i mean this in the least offensive way, and most general of ways: so you know when {in general} a guy cleans something, it is usually a quick swipe with his hand, or with a paper towel, which may or may not be wet, and all done. When a woman cleans the same thing, she {generally} tends to use some sort of scented spray, a cloth and clean it until said item looks clean enough that her mother-in-law won't judge her on the cleanliness of the house. Our landlord doing the inspection is a super lazy twenty something who couldn't care any less about his job. We figured as long as the place appeared clean when we signed for our deposit, there is nothing they can do. It worked like a charm)
off to bed. to rest my weary body. love.

what it feels like to be popular

Husband has lived in our new town for several months now, and has had the opportunity to meet lots of new people and make some new friends. And being the proud husband that he is, he has told everyone about me, almost to the point where they didn't believe I existed because they never saw me when I was in town (until now).

After meeting a bunch of the group on Tuesday, Ryan told me that the girls in the group are super excited to be friends with me, and think i am awesome cool. (who me? wtf?) The feeling is completely mutual though cause all of the girls I have met here so far are super fun and really nice. Not judgey or superficial or snotty or stuck in that typical big-city high-school clique mentality (as far as i can tell anyway). This is awesome, cause I ain't got no lady friends here in town - mine are all about a 40 minute drive away.

A lot of the new friends are couples, which is nice too. One of our new couple-friends invited us over for an amazing dinner of homemade ceasar salad and beef dip last night. It was paired with 3 bottles of red wine and a wonderful sound track of The Tragically Hip, Big Sugar, The Watchmen and Led Zeppelin. The evening became more tipsy and when the boys went for a smoke, us girls got our dance on to the sweet tune of Connected by Stereo MC's, followed by some Dancing Queen by ABBA. It was a wild and crazy time!

I am excited to make new friends; to be able to throw and attend dinner parties; to have board game competitions where i will do my damndest not to cheat; and make the first Saturday of each month a monthly tradition for everyone to gather together for a $5 breakfast at the legion. Cause nothing brings friends together more than greasy breakfast sausage, a stack of pancakes, eggs, toast and bacon.

Yum, yum, yum!

I've never really felt accepted into a big group of people before, and as daunting as it is, I cant wait to see what it brings.

life of the party

Husband has been stressed like crazy with work and money and moving and every other stressor possible. his birthday was yesterday but he wasn't feeling it at all. so i tricked him. his boss and i arranged a surprise party for him at the local pub, and boy, was Husband ever surprised. He kind of figured out that there was something going on, but he had no idea that about 25 people were coming out to celebrate and to get him as drunk as possible. It was a night full of dark beer, broken-down golf carts, light beer, red-headed sluts, tequila, electric lemonades & smirona's soaked up by mile high nacho platter's, chicken wings, and platters of deep fried veggies & cheese. Clearly a heart attack special. The highlight was a chocolate cake with two sets of boobs in blue icing piped brightly next to giant "3"&"2" candles.
Husband absolutely enjoyed every moment of it - except for the resulting hangover.
the poor kitten. good thing he was given this morning off.

serenity now

sometimes i wish that i had a personal stenographer.
this past weekend i had many frustrating & anger inducing moments due to miscommunications. most of them being where i had told a certain person some valuable information, (they heard me talking, but not what I was saying) and then they denied that i had ever told them this information to begin with because they could not remember such a thing happening. Yet they attack me for not advising them of such information.
my feelings got hurt.
my trust wall went up a little higher.
the lack of respect slapped me across the face.
WTF? If someone tells me something, and I dont remember it happening, my first reaction is to think that perhaps I forgot the conversation.
Being able to recall the conversation to see if it actually did take place (it did, i swear on my own life) or seeing how the words came out would be such a fight-skipper. and cry-stopper.
maybe i should just yell everything.

rockiest of roads; most broken of hearts

a girl among the people i know is getting married in September. things aren't going as well with her fiance as she had hoped. last spring he was nearly successful in taking his own life. since then things between them have been (obviously) very difficult. the trust between them has been completely shattered. leading to breakdowns in communication, friendship, and all of the good times they used to have.
their family feels like they are growing apart and they are only through the motions of planning their wedding because they are expected to, and not because they want it for themselves. i dont know the emotional history or the psychological history or experiences of any of these people, so i can't judge to say they don't know what they are talking about; i just know when it's brought up when the bride isn't around, they treat it like its not a big deal. dismissing it because his episode was 'understandable' based on his childhood (a really messed up one, for which he did an amazing job of working through thus far - well, up to the whole suicide attempt). knowing what i know, because of who i am, i find it very frustrating and somewhat insulting.
but it's not my place to say anything to them about how i feel. everyone is allowed their opinion. they don't know my situation, so i never comment - for fear of revealing too much - but one day i would love to tell them what really goes on in the head of a suicidal, bi-polar person such as myself.
back to the issue at hand.
husband and i have been together for over 8 years, which means a lot of ups and downs on the roller coaster of my disease. the first 5 years were before i even sought out help; the last 3 have been about finding the right combo of meds to keep me balanced enough to function. things are generally swell now, though i do have moments (see other posts, ha!).
should i attempt to contact the bride to see if she wants someone to talk to? Someone who can tell her from both sides of the fence how to deal, and what it takes, and just to be there for her? i am not super close with her, so it would be a little awkward, but i feel not saying something would be more detrimental. i want to help, but not sure if it's my place to do so... what do you think?

the hard work

i have to stop doing this.
no minerals or vitamins. my nails are split.
nothing to digest. my stomach is eating itself.
dehydration=hallucinations and delusions.
no energy, no motivation, no cares.
but she is right:
nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.

three more weeks

...until i can see my husand every day again.
...until i will be living in a tiny town with no stop lights (except on the highway).
...until i will likely need something from that 3rd box from the left in the back of our mini-storage locker.
...until i leave my family and dearest friends behind.
...until i start going through withdrawl from city-life.
...until i embrace my future.
...until i continue to take it one day at a time.

how much stress is one allowed to hold

one of a woman's most overused phrase is 'it's ok, i got it'. we say this whether we think we can or not. because we're taught that it's bad to show weakness, even though being vulnerable isn't weak.
these last few months have been a crazy roller coaster. my non-medicated self would have run and possibly left the country, or worse yet, taken her life. my medicated self has taken each day one at a time, even though it can be excruciatingly hard to even crawl out of bed some days. but even my medicated self needs an ass-kicking sometimes.
she is not sleeping or eating and i am scared she is not 100% 'there'.

today on my shoulders sits the following:
1. knowing that husband and i have 21 days to pack and move to a new home
2. finding the aforementioned new home
3. purchasing the aforementioned new home
4. being a first-time home buyer
5. ensuring funds are secured for the purchase of said home
6. hoping i have the mental and physical capacity to hold down my job while #1 - 5 is taking place
7. sheer loneliness - my husband is far away as is the rest of my family right now.... he won't be back until late next weekend; the rest of the family is gone until month end.
8. mad hallucinations. no sleep for the wicked makes one see and hear many things that don't really exist.
9. how much weight is too much to loose without trying in a short amount of time?
10. deciding a plan of attack for paying off my credit card debt, fully knowing i wont likely follow it
11. guilt for the thoughts i still have of slitting my wrists
12. guilt for the way i treat myself
13. paranoia for what this world is turning into...

3 more months until i will be stable - fuck you winter!
at least i have been able to get sun these last few days.

i made it this far. i can make it one more day.