Saturday, April 30, 2011

Long Term Decisions, Life Time of Consequences

Husband and I have some life decisions to make. He is aching for a baby. So badly. He is getting older, and "doesn't want to be a senior citizen when his kid graduates from high school". He wants his grammas to see their great-grandchildren, because that would be so cool. He is ready for that stage of life. His current work partner in crime has a 4-month old and is constantly telling my husband that he needs to get his own baby too. The thing is, current work partner (CWP) doesn't spend a lot of time with his baby. He works 6-7 days a week, 10-12 hour days. Which means my husband is working those hours too. CWP's wife is always left home alone with the baby. Her friends have ditched her, she rarely gets visits, and the only people that seem to want to be around her are the kid's grandparents.
I don't want our life to turn into that. I know I am going to have a difficult time adjusting because of the whole bi-polar factor. I am so worried about post-partum. (Does this mean I have pre-partum?) I will have to adjust my meds, possibly even go off of them completely, for the entire pregnancy + breast feeding, which sends a wave of anxiety over me that is so crushing it takes my breath away. I trust that it's doable. I trust that women have done it before. I just don't know if I am mentally prepared to go back to the hollow darkness of depression followed by the paranoia and hysterics and insomnia brought on by my mania. And if I am spending most of my time alone with the kid? If I think that I feel like I would resent the kid once it's born because going off of my meds made me feel worse, does that mean I am not ready, or just finding excuses?
I can't see myself being a parent.
I can't see myself having a successful pregnancy without me somehow harming myself or the baby.
And I can't help but feel ultimate shame in knowing that I will be passing on my bi-polar 'torch' to my future.

Monday, April 25, 2011

What Do You See?

Integrity is who you are when no one is looking. 
Are you the same person in front of the world, as you are when you look in the mirror?

Yesterday I stopped and realized for some time it was not so. 

Monday, April 18, 2011

My Seinfeld Moment

The other day I had one of those special moments in life; Had it come from the minds of Larry David or Jerry Seinfeld, it could have ended up as a conundrum that George would have come across in an episode of Seinfeld. Well, probably not. But it was my own little Seinfeld-ism.

I had purchased a pre-made sandwich at a local gourmet grocery store. Roast turkey breast with cheddar, lettuce, mustard, mayo on a whole wheat hoagie bun. Typical deli sandwich, wrapped in it's standard 90 layers of plastic saran to 'keep it fresh'.

Fast forward a day point five.

I don't like to use dishes if I don't have to. I don't want to waste the soap or water to clean. Really it just boils down to laziness. Moving on. Feeling famished, I grab my pre-made sandwich from the fridge, and begin unraveling the saran. The way that it was coming undone allowed me to cut 1/3 of the plastic off from the end of the sandwich, leaving the perfect opening in which to eat the sandwich, whilst still holding it in its plastic sleeve. It was one of the better unwrapping jobs I have done in recent memory, as I usually tend to somehow do the 'banana-peel' open, and things just go downhill and every where from there.

So I have this sandwich. In the perfect wrapper. And I take my first bite.


Conundrum: The sandwich had only the slightest hint of mayonnaise on it. (I don't know about you, but I am a mayo slather-er. Mayo should be it's own layer within a sandwich; it should NEVER be so thin that it soaks into the bread before you have a chance to put anything else on.)
So what should I do? Sacrifice this perfect sandwich holder just to load up my hoagie with an emulsion of eggs and oil? Or get over it and eat the rest of my somewhat dry but still edible sandwich?
I tell you, for someone who takes their laziness and sandwiches as seriously as I do, this was a big decision.

Laziness and cleanliness won. I finished my dry sandwich in peace. It was delicious, down to the last bite. Maybe cutting back on the mayo isn't always so bad....

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

First Parental Sleep-over

My dad is coming to visit today. It will be nice because he'll be by himself, with no evil wife tagging along. Not that she would dare come anyway. Our place is too middle-of-the-road for her. "If it's not slums, or 5 star, I don't stay there." I digress.
He'll be here in 8 hours. I am glad the play-off's start tonight and we'll have something to watch, to do, to keep us pre-occupied. Otherwise, I don't know how I will entertain him. We're not really ''talkers". I mean we have conversations about the daily happenings, but it never gets deep. It's kind of awkward at the beginning - like we are learning who the other person is all over again. And both know that the other is covering up the depression inside of them. Trying to be brave. Trying to be tough. Trying to be independent.
I know for me it's not working. I can tell in his voice over the phone it's not working for him.
We're both so fragile. Funny how our pride gets in our way.
I am my father's daughter.

In other news, that is all.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

The Impression

My weight has gone up and down many times throughout my life, which also means that I have amassed a collection of clothes that ranges from size 10 to size 16; from medium to extra large; from tight and sexy to super-loose and super-baggy. Since my body shape and weight has yo-yo'd so much, I made a habit of hanging onto started hoarding those clothes that don't-quite-fit-anymore, you know, just in case there came a day that they may fit again.

And that day has FINALLY come.
Before we moved, I made time to purge all of the ugly out of my closet, but other than that everything else went into a suitcase, or a box. (Including all of my clothes-that-are-too-small-but-I-still-plan-to-wear-them-one-day.) Now that I am unpacking, I am taking the time to try everything on, and asking myself the following:

  1. Is this something someone my age should be wearing? (I am 28, and yes I know it's sad for me to be hanging onto that one t-shirt I wore a lot in high-school - but hey, retro is always in, rite?)
  2. Does this item truly fit me properly, (or am I just kidding myself)?
  3. Is this something I will wear more than once, and not as a costume?
  4. Do I have things to wear with it - pants/skirts (if a top) or shirts (if bottoms), accessories, shoes, etc?
  5. Will I actually wear it, or will it sit in my closet for another 10 years?
Anything that gets a solid no to the first two questions automatically goes in the 'To Donate' box. Nothing has made it to question 3 yet. I don't think many items will. However, I am proud to say that out of one mini-suitcase and one medium sized box, I have added 7 pairs of jeans, 2 pairs of capri's and a pair of cargo khaki's to the donate box - all because they are waaaay too big for me. Most of my t-shirts have passed the test. (Well, some are going to the 'Dust-Rag Bin'.) And I still have 3 large Rubbermaid totes & 2 medium sized suitcases to unpack, plus 4 boxes of shoes to go... I have a bit of an addiction...
My new goal is to hoard only keep things that fit me NOW. Not things that fit me 5 years ago, or will fit me 20 lbs less from now. I am happy with myself as is. I don't need to pretend I will 'one day' fit into a pair of jeans I bought in grade 9 just because I have been hanging onto them for 14 years. It's time for me to look in the mirror and really start to appreciate who I am and what I have, and to represent myself better as I am NOW. Because I know I haven't been the best at that. I am ready to take better care of my self and share my true self with the world. The put-together, sane, reasonable, well-dressed, me. 

First impressions... I wish they weren't so fucking daunting.

Monday, April 4, 2011

On the Inside

We do it all.
On our own.

So alone. So unknown. And life goes on.

I don't need
or anyone.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Another 1st Saturday, Another Legion Breakfast

  • it's a point form kind of day.
  • the house is cold + arthritis in my hands = difficult to type
  • woke up early to meet with friends for breakfast at the legion. 
    • a cheap and delicious way to kick off the weekend.
  • come home to cuddle on couch with kitteh's, Husband, blankets, and laptop, in no particular order.
    • Husband turned on the video games
    • kitteh's are sleeping elsewhere
  • now time for my nap