Sunday, February 27, 2011

turning the page

we did it! we found a home (for rent); we signed the lease; and we can move in any time!
we can finally start sleeping in our OWN bed.
we can finally have our kitteh's back.
we can finally stop living out of suitcases.
we can finally finish the prologue of our move
and start on chapter one of small town livin'.

Friday, February 25, 2011

and i cant delete it and i cant take it back

i had a bad moment last night.
i had anxieties building up from the chaos in my head so i began to write.
i write because it's cathartic to me.
and when i want to tell someone how much i feel they are hurting me, but i dont have the balls to say it to them, i write to them, to get it off my chest.
last night i wrote a letter.
i was 100% sure i had not posted it publicly; i was 100% sure it was just me that could read it; i felt 100% better that i could let go of my issues that are 100% in my head and are selfish and stupid and really petty and lame.
i fucked up.
i really fucked up.
this morning (i fear that) it was posted publicly.
tho it's not like i can ask if anyone saw it for fear of bringing attention to the matter; however if it was seen, i have most likely irreparably damaged something i never thought i would be the one to break.

Monday, February 21, 2011

The Monday of My Content

Some things turned around in my universe today. Due to some mis-communications I have been holding back on invoicing for the work I have been doing over the last month or so. This means I haven't been paid since mid-January. This also means my husband has been my sugar daddy for the last little while. Not that there is anything wrong with that; however I really like having my own money. Guess I am a little more independent than most...

I was allowed to send in two invoices today, which is ka-ching for me. My credit card debts will be a little lighter; my car loan will get a little bonus; and I might have enough to spoil myself with a new pair of boots.
i have been looking for you since October... and you come in my size!!!

So what I'm sayin' is a giant cheque is in the mail. Happy Monday to me! 
I wonder what tomorrow brings...

Friday, February 18, 2011


A collection of WTF's: Friday Edition:
  • Learn my Name Bitches. Husband & I received our security deposit back from our former apartment living quarters. It was $40 short and made out to the wrong name. Thus begins the Battle of the Check. The saddest part is, we have lived there for 7 years, and both the lease and all of the checks we have used to pay our rent have both Husbands' and my name in full on them, so there is no reason for them to send us a check with the incorrect name. And when it goes to dispute resolution (which i am fully expecting it will) I have the perfect person to represent us - but I have to keep that Ace up my sleeve until then.
  • The Dr. Phil Show. Before February, I wouldn't give his show the time of day, unless it was an episode that was super good (ie - usually to do with a crime of some sort). Most of his shows were super droll, and I really couldn't stand the sound of his voice, or any of his advice. But this month, THIS month, I have thrown that out the door. I am slowly becoming addicted to the daytime trash of american problems. From Hotsauce Mom, and Controlling Husbands, to Teens Obsessed with Love, and Crazy Cults. I tell ya, it's frickin' more addictive than a bag of chips. 
  • Distractions. I have lots around me right now and i am super giddy and can't concentrate. happy weekend! 

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

The Highlight of my Day

Courtesy of

the parts you dont understand

we didn't get the house. we found out on Monday evening. it mattered then. but today i couldn't care less.
monday was a really hard day. i was ready to crumble and let my body cave in and have the physical breakdown that i could feel was coming. I was able to hold it off for about 24 hours, but last night ... last night.
it started when i inadvertently deleted 5 hours of work that i had been slaving over all day. I was so close to finishing my project; so close to handing it in; so close to being able to invoice for the work i had done, so i can get paid; so close to feeling like i have accomplished something in my life.
i just needed a good cry. to get those frustrations out. i dont smoke, i cant drink, so crying was the next best thing. before i knew it, husband and i were fighting over how stressful things have been lately. it got a little heated because he doesn't understand how I handle stress. and combined with my crazy, it makes an unstable situation inside of me. we bitched back and forth at each other but i think we just needed to vent. at the end we were hugging and back to our usual iloveyousomuch selves.
then i showed husband the stress test list. I scored over 450 and he scored over 500.
we need each to be strong for each other.
cause neither of us can't do this alone.
and i hope we never have to.

Monday, February 14, 2011

roller coaster living

we placed the offer on 'our' house last night. an hour later we found out someone else had made an offer too. the fall from high to low was a drop i was not expecting so soon.
But we haven't lost hope yet. We will know tonight by 6pm if our offer has been accepted, rejected, or if a counter-offer is being sent our way.
I keep repeating: 'If it is meant to be it will manifest as so' to myself. Right now, this is our only plan - we don't want to consider anything else, so that we don't self-sabotage our thinking. Plan B will be planned after Plan A is officially over.

My fingers are crossed so tight they are almost falling off. Plan A better fucking come through for us.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Stress Math

one potential dream house + two first time buyers = a case of the 'icantsleeps'
two self employed newlyweds + not much of a down payment = the potential of being denied a mortgage
four loving parents + an offer to co-sign as backers for our potential mortgage = lifesavers. not the candy kind. but just as sweet.
the thoughts of making an offer + making an offer+ adding subjects + hoping that it's accepted + working to remove the subjects = a long few weeks ahead
i better stock up on some chocolate.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

follow-up to the shenanigans of last night

the sleep monster tossed and turned and flopped around all night. in the early morning after his alarm went off, he did his usual routine, however, instead of coming into the bedroom to kiss me good-bye before getting into his cigarette smoke filled construction clothes, he obnoxiously stumbles in, turns the venetian blinds from one direction to the next  (bright morning + me facing the window = WTF?!?!) and then attempts to kiss me goodbye, as the light is clearly strewn across my face from his venetian-blind-fucking-aroundness. 
i pulled away. 
he departs, leaving a wake of sweat, dirt, cigarette, and construction behind him. 
i know i am made it worse today. i don't care. 
i am sick of him taking his stress out on me and telling me i am the one with the problem. 
it's time for him to be accountable for once.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

who has the problem now?

when wife is told that a missing bag containing about $500 worth of her cosmetics and make-up has been found, and husband says who cares about the make-up, i'm just glad the passports are safe...

when wife - who hates driving, and is fairly self conscious about it - is driving home and is making a right hand turn off the highway, and husband mutters a condescending profanity under his breath about how poorly wife drives...

when husband asks wife a question but she doesn't understand what he means so she asks him to clarify and he just keep repeating the same words, while getting frustrated with her for not understanding what he is saying...

when husband calls wife out and asks her what her problem is, and when she replies him because he is acting like a dick towards her after citing examples as mentioned above...

when husband throws a tantrum telling wife she is the one who clearly has trouble understanding things, and stomps off to bed without so much as a goodnight...

Thursday, February 3, 2011

fucking health insurance

this will be short. because thinking about it makes me cry.
when my contract at my previous job ended, it also meant my all-inclusive, fully covered benefits ended too. my meds are expensive. I spend anywhere from $180-$400 a month, depending on what i need, so my main concern is having a health plan that covers those expenses. 'Fear not' said my old company, 'you can apply for an individual plan as long as you do it within 60 days.' So i did.
a month later i am declined. apparently they will not cover pre-existing conditions. fucking bull-shit. even if i apply for any of their other plans they will not cover pre-existing conditions. WTF? I was covered previously - what has changed?
ugh! if anyone out there who stumbles across my page and knows about health insurance in british columbia (i am super clueless) please help me! i dont understand how this whole thing works when i am not covered by a plan thru an employer... stupid self employment...{insert shaky fist}

sleepless again

i am more than wide awake, lurking on new blogs and sorting through my reader. oh how full it was... i don't know whether it's stress or sugar or over tiredness that is keeping me awake. i would say an 80%/12%/8% combo of the three.
The stress has been so awesome for helping me get skinny tho. the jiggly flags of skin under my arms are almost gone, and my thighs are shrinking every week. a welcome miracle considering one of the nasty names i was called in school was 'Thunder Thighs'.
the side effects of the stress have been less desirable - migraines, nausea, anxiety to name a few. it's all normal considering the circumstances. i just keep telling my self to breath and take it one moment at a time. but reality is extremely overwhelming right now.

dear self,
be proud of yourself. you are doing really well, considering the dark stormy place you could be right now. in the last year you have accomplished so much, and that deserves a mega high 5. you lost 50 lbs. and still continue to lose more. you married your best friend after planning the most amazing wedding of the 21st century together. you hand-made 99% of the ceremony and reception stationary projects, as well as designed most of the personalized wedding elements. you had the wildest bach party with all of your dearest ladies in the most sinful place on earth. good times were had by all - even those who got lost along the way. you have made a conscious decision to live in a positive and optimistic state of mind. you are surrounded by people that care about you, respect you, and support you, no matter what you do.
be proud of yourself. you are doing really well.