one of a woman's most overused phrase is 'it's ok, i got it'. we say this whether we think we can or not. because we're taught that it's bad to show weakness, even though being vulnerable isn't weak.
these last few months have been a crazy roller coaster. my non-medicated self would have run and possibly left the country, or worse yet, taken her life. my medicated self has taken each day one at a time, even though it can be excruciatingly hard to even crawl out of bed some days. but even my medicated self needs an ass-kicking sometimes.
she is not sleeping or eating and i am scared she is not 100% 'there'.
today on my shoulders sits the following:
1. knowing that husband and i have 21 days to pack and move to a new home
2. finding the aforementioned new home
3. purchasing the aforementioned new home
4. being a first-time home buyer
5. ensuring funds are secured for the purchase of said home
6. hoping i have the mental and physical capacity to hold down my job while #1 - 5 is taking place
7. sheer loneliness - my husband is far away as is the rest of my family right now.... he won't be back until late next weekend; the rest of the family is gone until month end.
8. mad hallucinations. no sleep for the wicked makes one see and hear many things that don't really exist.
9. how much weight is too much to loose without trying in a short amount of time?
10. deciding a plan of attack for paying off my credit card debt, fully knowing i wont likely follow it
11. guilt for the thoughts i still have of slitting my wrists
12. guilt for the way i treat myself
13. paranoia for what this world is turning into...
3 more months until i will be stable - fuck you winter!
at least i have been able to get sun these last few days.
i made it this far. i can make it one more day.
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