the doctor

i get a new psych doctor soon. i am not sure if this is good news or bad news. my current med combo is ok - if i remember to take it at the same time every day. I have alarms set to remind me, but I tend to fuck that up on a regular basis. 

i try not to let it affect me. i try to maintain the norm. i thought this winter would be different. stronger meds would equal less hurting. i keep that SO completely conscious in my mind. that my emotions are just a figment. that my chaos can be controlled. that the hurt will go away. but still the darkness simmers on the back burner. 

and with the lack of correct emotional escape, that pot will boil over. 

lately there has been more darkness added, some thru faults of my own. some thru unexpected circumstances. some thru mis-communications that don't make sense to me. 

i can feel the bubbles rising already. 

it's going to be a messy spill.