Husband and I have some life decisions to make. He is aching for a baby. So badly. He is getting older, and "doesn't want to be a senior citizen when his kid graduates from high school". He wants his grammas to see their great-grandchildren, because that would be so cool. He is ready for that stage of life. His current work partner in crime has a 4-month old and is constantly telling my husband that he needs to get his own baby too. The thing is, current work partner (CWP) doesn't spend a lot of time with his baby. He works 6-7 days a week, 10-12 hour days. Which means my husband is working those hours too. CWP's wife is always left home alone with the baby. Her friends have ditched her, she rarely gets visits, and the only people that seem to want to be around her are the kid's grandparents.
I don't want our life to turn into that. I know I am going to have a difficult time adjusting because of the whole bi-polar factor. I am so worried about post-partum. (Does this mean I have pre-partum?) I will have to adjust my meds, possibly even go off of them completely, for the entire pregnancy + breast feeding, which sends a wave of anxiety over me that is so crushing it takes my breath away. I trust that it's doable. I trust that women have done it before. I just don't know if I am mentally prepared to go back to the hollow darkness of depression followed by the paranoia and hysterics and insomnia brought on by my mania. And if I am spending most of my time alone with the kid? If I think that I feel like I would resent the kid once it's born because going off of my meds made me feel worse, does that mean I am not ready, or just finding excuses?
I can't see myself being a parent.
I can't see myself having a successful pregnancy without me somehow harming myself or the baby.
And I can't help but feel ultimate shame in knowing that I will be passing on my bi-polar 'torch' to my future.
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