Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Pushing Them Away

When I am depressed and getting sucked back into 'the black pit of darkness and despair', I segregate myself from everyone around me and tend to avoid them until:
  • I am either forced to spend time with them due to circumstances beyond my control, or
  • the depression retreats into it's secret box and I can live my life in peace again.
These last two weeks have been filled with some really dark moments. Inside thoughts cause me to weep uncontrollably. Waking up is an impossible task. Except when I am plagued by nightmares that haunt me in the darkness. I cannot even find the words to articulate exactly what is wrong. I am mentally numb and my tongue has stopped working. I sometimes think about it like the movie Pleasantville, but somewhat reversed. Like I am in black & white and everyone else is in colour, except they can't understand why I am in black & white, and I can't explain what black & white is, or what it feels like, or how I can change from colour to black & white and back again.

I can't keep making excuses to avoid the people in my life. And I can't tell everyone out right that I just want to be alone. (Because being asked to be left alone for weeks at a time is 'apparently' socially unacceptable.) So how do I retreat into my hole without offending or hurting those around me? How do I explain to my husband that all I want is to crawl into a dark closet and bury myself until I am ready to see the sun again? How do I explain to him the tricks my eyes are playing on me, and the sounds I hear that I know aren't there? How do I clarify that loud noises make me want to vomit for no reason and that sometimes I will not eat for two or three days in a row because I am paranoid that the food is poisoned? How do I convince him that I am sure I am being watched and followed by invisible people?

Reading this back it sounds so fuct up. And I know from the 'sane' part of my self that the 'crazy' is just that - crazy. It's all in my head. It's something I can control if I just think about it properly. I can rationalize it now. In the moment I can't, but looking back I can.

But to try and share it, and to have someone empathize who hasn't been in those shoes before....

...it's just easier to deal with if I am alone.










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